Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Good Morning!
Just to let my readers know that this blog is moving to: Southern Mommy of Three. This blog will now only feature my writing and photography. Please visit all my blog though :-)) I would really like to thank you for reading this one. It is online now at the site above with hopefully daily postings. The new blog will just feature my daily life as a mom, and this one will be more for work. Take care!
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Friday, October 7, 2011
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Friday, September 30, 2011
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Monday, August 29, 2011
Country Day 2011
Choctaw Indian Princess
Dylan at the new Kool Bean sweet shop. My sister is in the background.
Gia, my nephew William, and Dylan.
New House Of Hope in town.
Good old southern music being played.
Pony rides for the kids.
Leather goods stand.
Mater from the movie Cars.
Lighting McQueen
Lady Jackets
Fried Pig Skins stand.
Beautiful painted Gourds.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Monday, June 13, 2011
Friday, June 10, 2011
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Monday, June 6, 2011
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Thursday, May 26, 2011
End of a Chapter
I hate to be right, but this time I was and I'm heartbroken. A four year relationship ended. I'm nine months pregnant and alone. I will have to raise this baby alone. He brought his new girlfriend to my sister's church in front of the whole town. I was in complete shock. He blamed it on me. Said I was being too much of a bitch. All the while texting me and calling me. Saying I love you, and I want you. Until today. I went to the doctor and he didn't call. I text and all I got back was "ok". It was exciting news. Our baby will be induced next weekend. A new life brought into this world into a broken relationship.
What no one knows is I prayed to God to take him away.....and he did. I should be happy, but I'm lost. Hurt, made a fool of, mad, more like pissed. I miss some parts and I just have to get over it. I have no choice. That precious angel will need me. Now, more than ever I have to work on myself, and I will find a man later in life worth my love. He's just NOT here.
What no one knows is I prayed to God to take him away.....and he did. I should be happy, but I'm lost. Hurt, made a fool of, mad, more like pissed. I miss some parts and I just have to get over it. I have no choice. That precious angel will need me. Now, more than ever I have to work on myself, and I will find a man later in life worth my love. He's just NOT here.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
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| Annalissa Marie at 34 Weeks |
Would you believe that I woke up this morning and forgot to get put Dylan a couple of bucks under his pillow?? Tooth Fairy speech last night for nothing. I had to tell him that the fairy put the money on my card and told me to take him to the store when he got home. He was cool with it. God, second time in a row. I'm just so tired. When my head hits the pillow I'm KO. So, I'll take him to his fave store today after his therapy session for his finger. Maybe before he loses all his baby teeth I'll get it right. lol.
Was going to spend the night in the country tonight, but we are having even more storms. I live in the tornado alley of the south, and my daughter is super scared of bad weather. I think I'll just go out there alone tonight to get a little alone time and be pampered. Been a really long time. More later.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Bed Rest? What's That?
Today has been very tiring. Got the boy off to school, then had to go to the local apartment complex to sign Gia up for preschool. This is how the south thinks....I don't sit with the other Mom's who are all black and they assume I'm racist. I only wanted to sit outside because they were using the doors being open to cool the place off. I'm already like 106 degrees...lol. Then to make things worse, Gia is the only white girl there getting testing. They were looking at us like how dare you rich white people?! Seriously?? Hate to tell them that I used to live in that ghetto drug den for fifteen years. I'm no more special because my Mom got her stuff together and moved out, even if just don't the street. Don't want to live there? Get off your ass and move!
Since they are only taking twenty kids, Gia may or may not make the cut. If she doesn't there are a few programs locally, but she'll have to ride the bus twenty miles either way. Not sure I want to to do that. I won't be able to drive her unless my car is fixed by then. It would really be a big help for me if she gets into some kind of program so I can take care of the new one.
Other news, last night Dylan tooth started to come down and bleeding. Which freaked up both out. I HATE blood, even my own. Every time I tried to pull it out it made this horrible popping noise. I couldn't deal. So thankfully, he came home from school with his tooth in a bag. YEAAAA. Mommy doesn't have to pull it out. I will certainly send a nice note to the teacher in the morning.
Tomorrow, I have a meeting at school to discuss Dylan going his last year (next year) for speech. It's been a long road, but I can remember just a few years ago when he could not talk, and now we can talk about anything. For a Mom, that's a great feeling. Thank goodness Gia will not have to have that surgery and ready to start school. Thursday, Dylan will walk to our park from school and go the annual easter egg hunt. I hope it is a fun time for him. We will do ours Sunday afternoon, after they come home from their Dad's. He called today to tell me that he can't get them Friday again because he has to work. They need more time with their father, but for some reason Gia will not go with him. I love my kids, but goodness do I need a small break. Even just for a night.
Might go to the country tomorrow night. Charles wants me to arrange the bedroom for the baby like I want it. I got to pack her a bag that he will bring. He's gotten the crib and new clothes for here there. I got what I need. Never used a crib, but I wouldn't mind having a bassinette. Would be nice, but she can always sleep with me. I think I better get one of those dorky baby straps and keep her on my person at all times so her older sister doesn't run off with her. lol.
I'm trying to just accept Charles for who he is. I'm not going to find a man I want here. I need at least keep some kind of peace for the new baby. It's going to be stressful time, but only if I allow it to be. I just fear that when it is time for me to come home, he'll want me to move out there. I simply can't take care of three kids and try to heal from childbirth. I will just pray it will be a happy time and so smoothly. More Later.
Since they are only taking twenty kids, Gia may or may not make the cut. If she doesn't there are a few programs locally, but she'll have to ride the bus twenty miles either way. Not sure I want to to do that. I won't be able to drive her unless my car is fixed by then. It would really be a big help for me if she gets into some kind of program so I can take care of the new one.
Other news, last night Dylan tooth started to come down and bleeding. Which freaked up both out. I HATE blood, even my own. Every time I tried to pull it out it made this horrible popping noise. I couldn't deal. So thankfully, he came home from school with his tooth in a bag. YEAAAA. Mommy doesn't have to pull it out. I will certainly send a nice note to the teacher in the morning.
Tomorrow, I have a meeting at school to discuss Dylan going his last year (next year) for speech. It's been a long road, but I can remember just a few years ago when he could not talk, and now we can talk about anything. For a Mom, that's a great feeling. Thank goodness Gia will not have to have that surgery and ready to start school. Thursday, Dylan will walk to our park from school and go the annual easter egg hunt. I hope it is a fun time for him. We will do ours Sunday afternoon, after they come home from their Dad's. He called today to tell me that he can't get them Friday again because he has to work. They need more time with their father, but for some reason Gia will not go with him. I love my kids, but goodness do I need a small break. Even just for a night.
Might go to the country tomorrow night. Charles wants me to arrange the bedroom for the baby like I want it. I got to pack her a bag that he will bring. He's gotten the crib and new clothes for here there. I got what I need. Never used a crib, but I wouldn't mind having a bassinette. Would be nice, but she can always sleep with me. I think I better get one of those dorky baby straps and keep her on my person at all times so her older sister doesn't run off with her. lol.
I'm trying to just accept Charles for who he is. I'm not going to find a man I want here. I need at least keep some kind of peace for the new baby. It's going to be stressful time, but only if I allow it to be. I just fear that when it is time for me to come home, he'll want me to move out there. I simply can't take care of three kids and try to heal from childbirth. I will just pray it will be a happy time and so smoothly. More Later.
Friday, April 15, 2011
Bed Rest....Sucks!
Been in the bed on and off all day. I hated it. It's not really fun to run the house from a pillow. You know the kids were not listening. Thank goodness I had some family here to help. I kept Dylan out today cause he had a cold and fever. Magically he was healed by 10am. Stinker. School let out at 12pm today because we has tornadoes coming left and right from Texas. Even had one downtown of my brother's city. One about twelve miles away where Charles lives, and a few other towns. A school bus of kids got trapped. Spring weather here is crazy and dangerous.
Yesterday I felt horrible and I didn't want to bother you with the devil walking around making your day hell. I know it was Friday and you probably needed to get things done before the weekend. So no hard feelings.
This weekend the goat cancelled out on the kids. Claims he has to work. Not very likely. Would you believe that idiot started crying on the phone and asked me back. WTF. That's a hell no. Had a total meltdown on the phone. I told Charles since the weather was bad I'll stay home tonight with the kids, and maybe come visit in the morning. Gia will not stay out there yet, cause he has another house. So, mostly likely we'll all be home the whole weekend. The hospital locked me down from sex, household duties, anything stressful. Still all I do is lay there and think of things that need to be done. I've got to get the kid's baby stuff together. Really thought I has more time. Oh well. Life doesn't come with a calendar or watch.
Hope you are enjoying your weekend. Not sure if you still read all this. Only way I can let you know all at once what's up. Would like to hear more from you. As always, I'll take what I can get. :-)
Yesterday I felt horrible and I didn't want to bother you with the devil walking around making your day hell. I know it was Friday and you probably needed to get things done before the weekend. So no hard feelings.
This weekend the goat cancelled out on the kids. Claims he has to work. Not very likely. Would you believe that idiot started crying on the phone and asked me back. WTF. That's a hell no. Had a total meltdown on the phone. I told Charles since the weather was bad I'll stay home tonight with the kids, and maybe come visit in the morning. Gia will not stay out there yet, cause he has another house. So, mostly likely we'll all be home the whole weekend. The hospital locked me down from sex, household duties, anything stressful. Still all I do is lay there and think of things that need to be done. I've got to get the kid's baby stuff together. Really thought I has more time. Oh well. Life doesn't come with a calendar or watch.
Hope you are enjoying your weekend. Not sure if you still read all this. Only way I can let you know all at once what's up. Would like to hear more from you. As always, I'll take what I can get. :-)
Friday, April 8, 2011
WTF Friday
Tonight, Gia is home with me and Dylan is with his Dad. She has acting really weird all day. My father, who I haven't seen in a really long time, came to Lawrence and we only had thirty minutes to see him. Tried to get Gia in the van and she honestly screamed and kicked like she was being kidnapped. I looked for the police to drive up at any moment. She scream the whole through the whole twenty minute ride. Since we wasted so much time with her, we only got to visit with him fifteen minutes. I was rather upset.
Then we get home and I go to dress her for her father and god knows she completely lost it. Another hour of screaming. What should I have done?? Dylan gets off the bus, jumps in his Dad's arms, and she refuses to go. We try everything but she just won't go. Dylan doesn't mind leaving her behind and I told his Dad it might do him good to get a weekend alone with his father.
One of her problem is that here she is treated like a queen. Every demand is given freely. You can't raise a child like that. I think I really need to move her away from her grandparents. That sounds bad, but get this...her father leaves and her grannie takes her shopping to get whatever she wants. Hmmm. Gia knows how to work the system for sure. Of course I didn't get to go to Charles and he got super pissed. I look for him to come over here at any minute.
I didn't want to go anyway. He has his cocky ass son this weekend, and they fight like brothers. His father also fights with him. His father still owes me money. I don't think I need to be in that environment. I will be mad and upset the whole time. Their antics will keep me upset. I rather lay down with my devilish angel and maybe, just maybe get some decent sleep.
I really do miss you. Been a busy week. Not much talk, but it is what it is. Look forward to my Sunday. Looking forward to the smiles you give me. :-)
Then we get home and I go to dress her for her father and god knows she completely lost it. Another hour of screaming. What should I have done?? Dylan gets off the bus, jumps in his Dad's arms, and she refuses to go. We try everything but she just won't go. Dylan doesn't mind leaving her behind and I told his Dad it might do him good to get a weekend alone with his father.
One of her problem is that here she is treated like a queen. Every demand is given freely. You can't raise a child like that. I think I really need to move her away from her grandparents. That sounds bad, but get this...her father leaves and her grannie takes her shopping to get whatever she wants. Hmmm. Gia knows how to work the system for sure. Of course I didn't get to go to Charles and he got super pissed. I look for him to come over here at any minute.
I didn't want to go anyway. He has his cocky ass son this weekend, and they fight like brothers. His father also fights with him. His father still owes me money. I don't think I need to be in that environment. I will be mad and upset the whole time. Their antics will keep me upset. I rather lay down with my devilish angel and maybe, just maybe get some decent sleep.
I really do miss you. Been a busy week. Not much talk, but it is what it is. Look forward to my Sunday. Looking forward to the smiles you give me. :-)
Strange Beautiful World
At times the world can be very unfair. You love one person, but lay next to another. You can love them too, but it's not the strong and decent love you feel for the other. So while you feel their touch, you long for the touch of the other. You want so badly for it to be them. Their voice in your ear. Go through daily life and have things done to you that you know the other would not, but you can't reach them. You deal with it in your own way, mostly locked inside. Only the other person can make you laugh and smile, and you are blessed to have what time is allowed. You feel blessed that they are at least in your life in some way and you don't have to miss them too bad. That if you really want to talk you can. Still words only do so much, and you always long for what you want and is given to another. Freely.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Hump Day
This morning went to crap real quick. Dylan completely flipped out on me. He has never acted like this before. I think it's because he's uncle is here, and he wants to stay home with him. Still, that doesn't give him the right to throw his breakfast on the CARPET and stomp it. I try to be the better mom and make him a bowl of cereal since he only had like five minutes before the bus. Do you know that child picked it up and threw in on the kitchen floor. Of course, it went all over me. I should of put him over my knee, but instead told him to get out of this house and get on the bus. He went to the bus crying and hungry, then I go to crying. I wish little boys didn't have to grow up.
Now that I am calmed down, spending some time with my brother. He is leaving to go back home for the day. Got tons of cleaning to do. I haven't felt great, and there is no help. I am the maid here. Gia main mission is to destroy the house on a daily cycle. Almost wish there was money and someone to call to come to the house to help. Bending over is killing me. This kid doesn't mind if I can't I believe. She's as happy as a bug in a rug. Just do what I can and rest when I need to. All I can do.
If I could get on a sleep schedule that would be awesome. Because you know in another month or two sleep will be a distant memory. Good thing I've learned to sleep in the strangest places. No problem holding a couple of kids in my lap and knocking out during Spongebob. Just will have to make sure Gia doesn't sneak the baby from my lap and hide her somewhere. lol. Can't wait to see what stuff she comes up with.
Gia is going for testing on April 19th to be hopefully one of twenty they pick for preschool. If she is picked, she'll get to ride her own bus and go to school from 8-2. This would really be a HUGE help to me. I know it will help her too. She is super smart and this will give her some extra help and kids to befriend.
Well enough boring you for one day. lol. More later.
Now that I am calmed down, spending some time with my brother. He is leaving to go back home for the day. Got tons of cleaning to do. I haven't felt great, and there is no help. I am the maid here. Gia main mission is to destroy the house on a daily cycle. Almost wish there was money and someone to call to come to the house to help. Bending over is killing me. This kid doesn't mind if I can't I believe. She's as happy as a bug in a rug. Just do what I can and rest when I need to. All I can do.
If I could get on a sleep schedule that would be awesome. Because you know in another month or two sleep will be a distant memory. Good thing I've learned to sleep in the strangest places. No problem holding a couple of kids in my lap and knocking out during Spongebob. Just will have to make sure Gia doesn't sneak the baby from my lap and hide her somewhere. lol. Can't wait to see what stuff she comes up with.
Gia is going for testing on April 19th to be hopefully one of twenty they pick for preschool. If she is picked, she'll get to ride her own bus and go to school from 8-2. This would really be a HUGE help to me. I know it will help her too. She is super smart and this will give her some extra help and kids to befriend.
Well enough boring you for one day. lol. More later.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Saturday....what a sh*t day
I really want to be done with my second sperm donor. He is a complete child and low life. I am really trying my best to be nice and decent, but that's not possible for him. All he cares about is drinking, spending time with his friends, and the kid and I are not on the list. He picks me and the kids up and take us to McDonald's. Acts like he deserves a medal. Chokes the food down and barely lets the kids play. What an ass. Go and gets his case of beer. Let me know he's been drinking a case a night this week. Just think of the baby stuff that would of bought. In seven months, he's gotten two or three suits for $2.50, some socks, shoes, hmmm that's it. I even found a bassenette someone was selling on the side of the road. Of course, the beer was more important. He said, I got a crib. What do you need one for? Seriously?? I'll just get one.
Went out to his house. No hugs, gentle words, love....you know the things that come natural to a couple about to have a baby. There is no love there. All I can do is cry over how stupid I am. He asks me why I am crying...he doesn't really care why does he asks. Then to top it off his father owe me $100. He never speaks to me, but came outside to let me know it will be one day next week before he can pay me. Yeah I'll hold my breath. I didn't make him wait when he got my money. I borrowed money this week thinking I would get it this weekend. Now if I did that it would be a big mess, but those crooks are used to stabbing me in the back. Nothing new for them. If he gives Charles the money to pay me he will just spend it and say he owes me.
If he would honestly leave me the fuck alone, I would leave him alone. Work out some custody deal and be done with the whole fucking thing. I hate him. He doesn't get it. I know he would come hurt me if I truly told him to fuck off and leave me alone. I just had to get knocked up by the bastard. I'm really stupid and a coward for dealing with this so long. I think I actually hate him worse than the goat. I want him out of my life. Completely! This will never happen. I'll never escape him. Just makes me want to do really stupid things just to get away from it all. Get pushed much more and I am really done.
Usually, spend the whole day with him, but two hours and he takes us home to go get drunk at a poker party down the street. If I was evil I would turn him in for drunk driving. He doesn't have a license and he has old fines. He would spend months in the jail if I did. I am so tempted. No kiss, just an I love you when he leaves. It's a lie. When I say it back just to keep the peace IT IS A LIE. I want my life back. :-(
Went out to his house. No hugs, gentle words, love....you know the things that come natural to a couple about to have a baby. There is no love there. All I can do is cry over how stupid I am. He asks me why I am crying...he doesn't really care why does he asks. Then to top it off his father owe me $100. He never speaks to me, but came outside to let me know it will be one day next week before he can pay me. Yeah I'll hold my breath. I didn't make him wait when he got my money. I borrowed money this week thinking I would get it this weekend. Now if I did that it would be a big mess, but those crooks are used to stabbing me in the back. Nothing new for them. If he gives Charles the money to pay me he will just spend it and say he owes me.
If he would honestly leave me the fuck alone, I would leave him alone. Work out some custody deal and be done with the whole fucking thing. I hate him. He doesn't get it. I know he would come hurt me if I truly told him to fuck off and leave me alone. I just had to get knocked up by the bastard. I'm really stupid and a coward for dealing with this so long. I think I actually hate him worse than the goat. I want him out of my life. Completely! This will never happen. I'll never escape him. Just makes me want to do really stupid things just to get away from it all. Get pushed much more and I am really done.
Usually, spend the whole day with him, but two hours and he takes us home to go get drunk at a poker party down the street. If I was evil I would turn him in for drunk driving. He doesn't have a license and he has old fines. He would spend months in the jail if I did. I am so tempted. No kiss, just an I love you when he leaves. It's a lie. When I say it back just to keep the peace IT IS A LIE. I want my life back. :-(
Friday, April 1, 2011
I wonder what it feels like.....
I wonder how it would feel to wake up to someone you truly love. To see their smile, and know that they are happy you are by their side. How would it feel for them to come home and wrap their arms around you, get a real kiss, and know that they couldn't wait to get home to see your face.
What would it feel like to have a happy family day at a park. Everyone is smiling and laughing. You feel safe and protected enough that you can too enjoy the experience. That the man is overjoyed in his heart that he has your kids, you, and maybe he's own...and he finally feels complete.
I wonder how it would feel that at night at bedtime to not have any anger just true love shared between two people, and after you sleep so soundly. Having his arms to keep you warm and safe. Your children are warm and safe in their own beds. Everyone is at peace, finally.
I may never experience this in my life, and people who have it truly take it for granted. Just the simple things in life that I want so bad, and never have. Really a good heart and life is being wasted. If only, I could have the same as other people.
What would it feel like to have a happy family day at a park. Everyone is smiling and laughing. You feel safe and protected enough that you can too enjoy the experience. That the man is overjoyed in his heart that he has your kids, you, and maybe he's own...and he finally feels complete.
I wonder how it would feel that at night at bedtime to not have any anger just true love shared between two people, and after you sleep so soundly. Having his arms to keep you warm and safe. Your children are warm and safe in their own beds. Everyone is at peace, finally.
I may never experience this in my life, and people who have it truly take it for granted. Just the simple things in life that I want so bad, and never have. Really a good heart and life is being wasted. If only, I could have the same as other people.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Monday
Last night was just plain hell. I don't know what happens at the ex's house, but my God were the kids on one. I planned to put them in bed at eight and Gia refused to stay in the bedroom with me, then Dylan is up. Running around and playing. If I was about to pop another out these kids would of been in for it, but I'm so damn tired I can barely move. This is when I miss a father in the home. I need a break and they are only back for a day. My mom doesn't seen her precious Gia to bed, tells me to go to sleep and she can sleep with her. Great. I finally go to sleep and about 11pm, here comes Gia still wired. I'm think my god from what?
Ok. This time I can not blame the ex all together. I bought them some Jelly Bellies. There cousin comes over with suckers. WTF was I thinking. She gets leg cramps and screams, I finally calm her down and silence comes over the room. I wake up at 5am with a pounding headache. I would love to just get up and get some coffee, but I find my chain smoking mom in the kitchen and it looks like a bar. God do I wish I had my own apartment. I'm starting to think about Meridian again...jesus just somewhere else.
I get the boy off to school, and I try to stay awake, but that's just not happening. Luckily, Gia is still passed out and I get a few more hours. I dream about radiation and nuclear meltdowns. I'm some kind of person working for the government trying to get my kids and this dark hair guy and his kid out of the city before hell breaks loose. Thanks CNN. I got to turn the tube off.
This morning hasn't been all that bad. Although I'm not getting much done. lol. Right now if I laid down I wouldn't be up til tonight. This kid is just sucking the life out of me, and believe me it will get worse. I just can't wait to see how the father really helps me. I think I've decided not to get my tubes tied. Just behave myself and get on the pill. I think about a week out there will be all I can take. I can't wait for her to be old enough to go to daycare, get Gia in preschool, and Dylan in school so I can return to work. Save money and move the hell away from this want to be Mayberry.
Any suggestions??
Ok. This time I can not blame the ex all together. I bought them some Jelly Bellies. There cousin comes over with suckers. WTF was I thinking. She gets leg cramps and screams, I finally calm her down and silence comes over the room. I wake up at 5am with a pounding headache. I would love to just get up and get some coffee, but I find my chain smoking mom in the kitchen and it looks like a bar. God do I wish I had my own apartment. I'm starting to think about Meridian again...jesus just somewhere else.
I get the boy off to school, and I try to stay awake, but that's just not happening. Luckily, Gia is still passed out and I get a few more hours. I dream about radiation and nuclear meltdowns. I'm some kind of person working for the government trying to get my kids and this dark hair guy and his kid out of the city before hell breaks loose. Thanks CNN. I got to turn the tube off.
This morning hasn't been all that bad. Although I'm not getting much done. lol. Right now if I laid down I wouldn't be up til tonight. This kid is just sucking the life out of me, and believe me it will get worse. I just can't wait to see how the father really helps me. I think I've decided not to get my tubes tied. Just behave myself and get on the pill. I think about a week out there will be all I can take. I can't wait for her to be old enough to go to daycare, get Gia in preschool, and Dylan in school so I can return to work. Save money and move the hell away from this want to be Mayberry.
Any suggestions??
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Cavemen Are Not My Type
I'm not really sure why I expect so much from simple people. Why did God not make me more simple so I can fit into this backwards life. Got picked up Friday, and he had me drive to Forest. That is a actual town. People here go ape shit for this place called KFC. Maybe you have one? I doubt it. They now have buffet. So the place has a line. I just drove an hour for all you can eat fried chicken, gravy, rice, and peach cobbler. Can't you hear a cowboy holler in the back of your mind. lol
He knows I can't eat much of this stuff, but he downs it down like bikers are behind him with sticks trying to steal it away. A bit nasty to watch. We leave and I'm already in pain and uncomfortable. I plan to get a motorized wheelchair to help me in the store. Walmart. hmmm do you have that too? Huge store with everything. So a redneck's dream. I go to get in one and this lazy ass gets in one too. I honestly think he's jealous that I need one. I then become hardheaded and just walk through the store. About a hundred feet in and I'm almost to tears. I ask him to please go get me one and he won't. Huge surprise. Now my feelings are hurt and I'm mad, in pain, disgusted and he's just a shopping away all happily. We leave but not before he has to get his beer. I don't mind drinking, but it changes his personality.
Get to his house. Make a attempt and a little happiness and it's a complete FLOP. I'm not interested at all. Not like me, but I have something on my mind and the smell of alcohol was not really working for me. I think he got a little upset, but really I don't care. The next day we give shopping another goal. Go shopping for the baby. Would you believe he picked out everything? Hated everything I like and then let me know that we need to buy all our separate items. What?! Ok sounds fine to me. Separate houses. Makes sense. Wow what a beginning I am giving this kid. That night after supper we crashed and didn't even attempt anything.
Now back in 2007, one night, I had this horrible nightmare that a man was pulling my arm and I could feel everything. Scared me so bad my water broke. It happened again last night. WAIT not the water breaking thank god, but the same dream. I honestly can't tell if it was real or not, I know my ears started roaring and I look towards the closet and a man's figure is there. He keeps saying either HELL or HILL. Clear as day. He starts pulling my arm and I can't even make a sound and I tried to wake up Charles to help. Next second I am raising up in the bed and the room is all weird. Told him to hold me and I finally fell asleep. Jesus do I need a minute away from everything. I don't know what brought all that on.
Only reason I did not want to come home here is that no one picks up after themselves. The house looks just it did when I left Friday. We are so crowded with our stuff, and it's just horrible. My Mom and her man, my kids and myself. JEEZ. There it's clean, way more peaceful, but I don't think I can deal with the bad parts of it. If Charles drinks way too much and I have to deal with his bad side. I certainly don't want my kids around that. I think the best solution will be to stay there a week or two after the baby, but I need to get a local apartment. Start small and see how it goes. Depend on myself so I don't have to have anyone save me or help me.
If I had it my way, I would not be here. Two fathers would be replaced by one. Different location, new life. The End.
He knows I can't eat much of this stuff, but he downs it down like bikers are behind him with sticks trying to steal it away. A bit nasty to watch. We leave and I'm already in pain and uncomfortable. I plan to get a motorized wheelchair to help me in the store. Walmart. hmmm do you have that too? Huge store with everything. So a redneck's dream. I go to get in one and this lazy ass gets in one too. I honestly think he's jealous that I need one. I then become hardheaded and just walk through the store. About a hundred feet in and I'm almost to tears. I ask him to please go get me one and he won't. Huge surprise. Now my feelings are hurt and I'm mad, in pain, disgusted and he's just a shopping away all happily. We leave but not before he has to get his beer. I don't mind drinking, but it changes his personality.
Get to his house. Make a attempt and a little happiness and it's a complete FLOP. I'm not interested at all. Not like me, but I have something on my mind and the smell of alcohol was not really working for me. I think he got a little upset, but really I don't care. The next day we give shopping another goal. Go shopping for the baby. Would you believe he picked out everything? Hated everything I like and then let me know that we need to buy all our separate items. What?! Ok sounds fine to me. Separate houses. Makes sense. Wow what a beginning I am giving this kid. That night after supper we crashed and didn't even attempt anything.
Now back in 2007, one night, I had this horrible nightmare that a man was pulling my arm and I could feel everything. Scared me so bad my water broke. It happened again last night. WAIT not the water breaking thank god, but the same dream. I honestly can't tell if it was real or not, I know my ears started roaring and I look towards the closet and a man's figure is there. He keeps saying either HELL or HILL. Clear as day. He starts pulling my arm and I can't even make a sound and I tried to wake up Charles to help. Next second I am raising up in the bed and the room is all weird. Told him to hold me and I finally fell asleep. Jesus do I need a minute away from everything. I don't know what brought all that on.
Only reason I did not want to come home here is that no one picks up after themselves. The house looks just it did when I left Friday. We are so crowded with our stuff, and it's just horrible. My Mom and her man, my kids and myself. JEEZ. There it's clean, way more peaceful, but I don't think I can deal with the bad parts of it. If Charles drinks way too much and I have to deal with his bad side. I certainly don't want my kids around that. I think the best solution will be to stay there a week or two after the baby, but I need to get a local apartment. Start small and see how it goes. Depend on myself so I don't have to have anyone save me or help me.
If I had it my way, I would not be here. Two fathers would be replaced by one. Different location, new life. The End.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Thursday, March 24, 2011
This Weekend
This weekend I am looking forward to some peace and quiet. I am going out to Charles and rest. Enjoy the birds chirping, breeze blowing, and hopefully get my life together in my mind somehow. It is a miracle that we will be kid free and I'm certainly looking forward to it. Only really time we are going into town is to shop for the baby. I have decided to come home from the hospital there. I believe this will be the best solution. He's taking a week off from work to help me with the baby. I'm sure it won't be the dirty diapers. They are like periods...just not meant for a man to do. He used to always gag when I was changing Gia. lol.
At least he's house is roomy enough that if my kids come to stay too there will be plenty of room inside and out. No smoke there too, since my mom is a chain smoker here. I honestly hate to bring the baby back here when I leave Charles. Thinking about trying to get my own apartment here in town as a temporary solution to my housing issue. I would certainly be happier with my own space, and we wouldn't always have to be around family when we want "time" alone. lol.
As for the future with him....hmmmm We have been together on and off since 2008. There have been good times and some really shitty times. We are best friends and he certainly loves me more than I love him. I just can't get into a deep love with anyone anymore. Not if I don't have the basic levels with them. I guess we will just continue life as it is. We have our own lives during the week, and see each other on the weekends. This doesn't mean I have to remain here. Once I'm healed and the baby is six weeks I plan to look for work. If it has to be in the city I will have to deal with it. I was all ready to move to Meridian til lately.
My brother's apartment was broken into while he was sleeping. All the purses, (he lives with three women god bless him), electronics, etc were stolen. Luckily, his door was locked and his stuff was safe. I just do not feel like living alone would be a really great idea. Those kind of jerks watch people and pick the weak out. I'm not weak, but I'm not going to keep a loaded gun in the house. Also, in Meridian the most you will start out with pay is $7.00 an hour. You think with housing, bills, and daycare you wouldn't make it. I think daycare is $120 a week. Just crazy.
Think I'll just start small. Take my time and get used to running a household alone with three kids. Jeez.... I really need to decide about getting my tubes fixed. I think somehow I hold out hope that I could meet a decent father for another child and get that happily ever after simple life I really want. I think sometimes I'm paying for all my wrongs right now and it just won't happen. Who knows. :-)
At least he's house is roomy enough that if my kids come to stay too there will be plenty of room inside and out. No smoke there too, since my mom is a chain smoker here. I honestly hate to bring the baby back here when I leave Charles. Thinking about trying to get my own apartment here in town as a temporary solution to my housing issue. I would certainly be happier with my own space, and we wouldn't always have to be around family when we want "time" alone. lol.
As for the future with him....hmmmm We have been together on and off since 2008. There have been good times and some really shitty times. We are best friends and he certainly loves me more than I love him. I just can't get into a deep love with anyone anymore. Not if I don't have the basic levels with them. I guess we will just continue life as it is. We have our own lives during the week, and see each other on the weekends. This doesn't mean I have to remain here. Once I'm healed and the baby is six weeks I plan to look for work. If it has to be in the city I will have to deal with it. I was all ready to move to Meridian til lately.
My brother's apartment was broken into while he was sleeping. All the purses, (he lives with three women god bless him), electronics, etc were stolen. Luckily, his door was locked and his stuff was safe. I just do not feel like living alone would be a really great idea. Those kind of jerks watch people and pick the weak out. I'm not weak, but I'm not going to keep a loaded gun in the house. Also, in Meridian the most you will start out with pay is $7.00 an hour. You think with housing, bills, and daycare you wouldn't make it. I think daycare is $120 a week. Just crazy.
Think I'll just start small. Take my time and get used to running a household alone with three kids. Jeez.... I really need to decide about getting my tubes fixed. I think somehow I hold out hope that I could meet a decent father for another child and get that happily ever after simple life I really want. I think sometimes I'm paying for all my wrongs right now and it just won't happen. Who knows. :-)
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Wednesday
Even though I know better, I still let some people fool me and get totally under my skin. I let people have their opinions about me, and sometimes I give in to them. Even when I am doing my best I still come out as a loser. It's sad when success is the only thing that defines a person. If you don't have your own home, job, car you are a total failure. Even worse when you have kids. Does it count that I used too? That I lost everything when I had to kick my abusive husband out of the house. He didn't help me out and everything was left up to me. Does it count that I am pregnant with a kid that wasn't planned and I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to do everything on my own. It really drives me crazy. Right now if I can get around ten or more feet I count that as a good day.
I think I should get credit that I'm not gonna just give up and marry the kid's father. Move out into the country where there is only two other families on the road. I would have to depend on him for a living and transportation until I got those things of my own. I want all of those things on my own. Well I live in a small town. We don't even have stop lights. So, if my car is on blocks how do I get back and forth to a new job. If I'm only going to get paid enough to cover day care expenses then what is the use? I get $500 in food benefits and $200 in child support right now and believe or not I make it each month, but only because I have no bills. I paid myself out of debt years ago.
I could pack all my stuff, save a little back, and just move to another town...alone. I would be utterly alone. I don't handle that very well. The kids would have decent schools, programs to do, I could regain a social life, but really for what. Kill myself to pay for the city life. I'm at a crossroads, but not staying forever. Again if I get around today and don't pop the kid out in the kitchen I give the day an A. Anyone from anywhere else who had to move here on no notice would put a bullet in their brain by Friday. Just saying.
I think I should get credit that I'm not gonna just give up and marry the kid's father. Move out into the country where there is only two other families on the road. I would have to depend on him for a living and transportation until I got those things of my own. I want all of those things on my own. Well I live in a small town. We don't even have stop lights. So, if my car is on blocks how do I get back and forth to a new job. If I'm only going to get paid enough to cover day care expenses then what is the use? I get $500 in food benefits and $200 in child support right now and believe or not I make it each month, but only because I have no bills. I paid myself out of debt years ago.
I could pack all my stuff, save a little back, and just move to another town...alone. I would be utterly alone. I don't handle that very well. The kids would have decent schools, programs to do, I could regain a social life, but really for what. Kill myself to pay for the city life. I'm at a crossroads, but not staying forever. Again if I get around today and don't pop the kid out in the kitchen I give the day an A. Anyone from anywhere else who had to move here on no notice would put a bullet in their brain by Friday. Just saying.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Monday, March 21, 2011
Friday, March 18, 2011
My Youtube Channel
Tried to put the video here and no luck. At least I can't see it. So click and enjoy. Way more to come since now I'm a high tech redneck, and can upload from my phone.
Barbie Ann's Youtube Channel
Barbie Ann's Youtube Channel
Kids Losing Their Minds Over A Bottle of Bubbles
This is a video of my kids fighting over a simple bottle of bubbles. Neither side gives....see why I have gray hairs?? lol
Spring Break 2011
Have to say it was not what I planned. Usually, I have some fun things planned out, but I'm just too tired. So, I gave in and let the ex get them. He was suppose to get them the weekend off, but claims he got stranded in Meridian. Guess his woman only gives rides of a certain kind. lol.
So he can and got them, and I settled into a night of just me and some much needed rest. Then at 9:30pm I get a call. Usually, my kids would of been asleep here at home, but they were out at night, at a 5 minute pizza stand getting supper. WTF?? Really. Gia was crying because she was sleepy and hungry. God knows where she had been dragged too all day. He called her a spoiled brat and man did that piss me off. I find out that they are sleeping at his one legged woman's house in the ghetto. Sleeping next to a bunch of kids they don't know. Later Dylan tells me that some of the kids where getting hit and spanked on right in front of him. Good job "Dad".
To get away from that drama, I decide to go the new house in the country that I will never live in. Charles has his ADD son and he's bouncing off the walls. He's a ten year old third grader with the mind of a five year old. I really tried to deal with it, but I'm not used to a child with no home training at all. To make me happy I guess, Charles starts to clean out the Koi pond that the old residents left. He managed to fall in and smell like ten years of death. I try to sit outside and nap, but the boy kept circling me and throwing rocks, then he's father would yell at him and threaten to whoop him with switches. Wow what a way to deal your special needs kids.
Then I find out we are about to travel and hour north and get his jock and cocky son, who just landed home from Washington. The difference in these kids are night and day. The only smart thing that man has done in his life is let the boy's family raise him. They are wealthy. He goes to private schools and expects everything on a silver platter. We travel back to Union (oh joy) and go to the famous. lol. Piggly Wiggly. Maybe you've seen on redneck movies? The boy tells his father he will get this and that. I have $12 in cash to get supper for all of us, so I thought hey this kid in not that bad. He goes in the store getting everything in site. We get to the check out and I wait for him to pay for his stuff. He looks at me and tells me that he has no money. WTF again in two days. I had to use my card and it was almost $40 bucks. Charles then gets the $12 back for gas since it's all gone too. Ok I'm getting it in the ass I know it. I told him to pay me back Friday or he can go fuck himself, and believe me he would die if he had too.
Get home and all the men are on a "spell" bitching, fighting, moaning. My restful night has now turned to hell. The jock is trying to kick the ass of his own brother who really can't help how he is. Jesus, save me. I look at the kids bottle of pills and they were giving him the wrong doses. Well, hell that's why he's acting all apey. One correct dose and he's a normal kids within an hour. I am SO stupid for opening my legs to this idiot.
You would think FINALLY at bedtime I would get a little happiness. Well guess what the new house is echoey. You fart in the living room and we can hear in the bedroom. Since he's father's room is right across the hall he has trouble doing the deed. Give me a break. Be a man. For once act like you can do something right. I just turned over and went to sleep.
Woke up to leave and start to go out the bedroom door and he's father opens his and he's in his underwear. Fuck that, I went right to the car. Left and thinking about not going back. Do you blame me? Why does life here have to be so hellish???? Just want to be happy, get laid, have decent food, and trust me I would make a decent man happy all the time. Just not meant to be HERE.
Well the kids are home now, and we are going to clean, go outside and blow bubbles, just relax. Stay home til school starts Monday. I'm happy here for now, but my own place would be so much better. I've really made some horrible choices, but that doesn't mean I should be punished FOREVER does it??
So he can and got them, and I settled into a night of just me and some much needed rest. Then at 9:30pm I get a call. Usually, my kids would of been asleep here at home, but they were out at night, at a 5 minute pizza stand getting supper. WTF?? Really. Gia was crying because she was sleepy and hungry. God knows where she had been dragged too all day. He called her a spoiled brat and man did that piss me off. I find out that they are sleeping at his one legged woman's house in the ghetto. Sleeping next to a bunch of kids they don't know. Later Dylan tells me that some of the kids where getting hit and spanked on right in front of him. Good job "Dad".
To get away from that drama, I decide to go the new house in the country that I will never live in. Charles has his ADD son and he's bouncing off the walls. He's a ten year old third grader with the mind of a five year old. I really tried to deal with it, but I'm not used to a child with no home training at all. To make me happy I guess, Charles starts to clean out the Koi pond that the old residents left. He managed to fall in and smell like ten years of death. I try to sit outside and nap, but the boy kept circling me and throwing rocks, then he's father would yell at him and threaten to whoop him with switches. Wow what a way to deal your special needs kids.
Then I find out we are about to travel and hour north and get his jock and cocky son, who just landed home from Washington. The difference in these kids are night and day. The only smart thing that man has done in his life is let the boy's family raise him. They are wealthy. He goes to private schools and expects everything on a silver platter. We travel back to Union (oh joy) and go to the famous. lol. Piggly Wiggly. Maybe you've seen on redneck movies? The boy tells his father he will get this and that. I have $12 in cash to get supper for all of us, so I thought hey this kid in not that bad. He goes in the store getting everything in site. We get to the check out and I wait for him to pay for his stuff. He looks at me and tells me that he has no money. WTF again in two days. I had to use my card and it was almost $40 bucks. Charles then gets the $12 back for gas since it's all gone too. Ok I'm getting it in the ass I know it. I told him to pay me back Friday or he can go fuck himself, and believe me he would die if he had too.
Get home and all the men are on a "spell" bitching, fighting, moaning. My restful night has now turned to hell. The jock is trying to kick the ass of his own brother who really can't help how he is. Jesus, save me. I look at the kids bottle of pills and they were giving him the wrong doses. Well, hell that's why he's acting all apey. One correct dose and he's a normal kids within an hour. I am SO stupid for opening my legs to this idiot.
You would think FINALLY at bedtime I would get a little happiness. Well guess what the new house is echoey. You fart in the living room and we can hear in the bedroom. Since he's father's room is right across the hall he has trouble doing the deed. Give me a break. Be a man. For once act like you can do something right. I just turned over and went to sleep.
Woke up to leave and start to go out the bedroom door and he's father opens his and he's in his underwear. Fuck that, I went right to the car. Left and thinking about not going back. Do you blame me? Why does life here have to be so hellish???? Just want to be happy, get laid, have decent food, and trust me I would make a decent man happy all the time. Just not meant to be HERE.
Well the kids are home now, and we are going to clean, go outside and blow bubbles, just relax. Stay home til school starts Monday. I'm happy here for now, but my own place would be so much better. I've really made some horrible choices, but that doesn't mean I should be punished FOREVER does it??
Monday, March 7, 2011
Sunday, March 6, 2011
My Weekend
I was expecting a peaceful night together, but that soon changed. He got a call that his sister found his son, and she was heading two hours away to get him. I wasn't getting picked up because he had to pick up the son I know only an hour away. So, I'm left alone at my house, but no problem. A nice quiet with just me is always needed. I'm so very tired lately.
So, Saturday I meet his son, and I can tell something is off with him. Charles gives me his meds/pills, and I am shocked. So many a day and for what? I find out. He is bipolar and has a lot of special needs. He constantly moves, talks, gets loud, doesn't mind. It was just more than I'm used to. I know it was way more than he could handle. Thank God his other son was there to keep him busy. Something I noticed is that the kid was starving and he ate like a savage. Stuffing food into his mouth with his hands. Literally, shoveling it in. I was so sad for him. I'm just not used to a kid that never shuts down. Even at bedtime he was just a hyper as ever and still eating.
Just found out he's going back home today. Sad for Charles cause even though they promise he will be back for spring break...who knows. I couldn't live like that. Maybe he will come back. I know I will have to help watch him while Charles is at work. I hope it won't be too stressful.
Also this weekend, it was confirmed that they were getting rid of the mobile home and moving further into the country. Good news is that it's only minutes from my sister's house. It's a larger place. So, when I do bring the baby home we won't be so crowded. I'll have a front and back yard to relax in and hopefully, it will be peaceful. I never know until I am in the situation. I am expecting to be in major pain, but that's all apart of it.
Hopefully, also the kids will be out for summer and my kids can be with me. It might be scary being out there all alone while he is a work getting used to having three kids instead of just too. We'll see.
Well that's all for now. My kids are at a movie with their Dad and I have my sister's kids while she goes to a funeral. Let's hope next week will be good:-)
So, Saturday I meet his son, and I can tell something is off with him. Charles gives me his meds/pills, and I am shocked. So many a day and for what? I find out. He is bipolar and has a lot of special needs. He constantly moves, talks, gets loud, doesn't mind. It was just more than I'm used to. I know it was way more than he could handle. Thank God his other son was there to keep him busy. Something I noticed is that the kid was starving and he ate like a savage. Stuffing food into his mouth with his hands. Literally, shoveling it in. I was so sad for him. I'm just not used to a kid that never shuts down. Even at bedtime he was just a hyper as ever and still eating.
Just found out he's going back home today. Sad for Charles cause even though they promise he will be back for spring break...who knows. I couldn't live like that. Maybe he will come back. I know I will have to help watch him while Charles is at work. I hope it won't be too stressful.
Also this weekend, it was confirmed that they were getting rid of the mobile home and moving further into the country. Good news is that it's only minutes from my sister's house. It's a larger place. So, when I do bring the baby home we won't be so crowded. I'll have a front and back yard to relax in and hopefully, it will be peaceful. I never know until I am in the situation. I am expecting to be in major pain, but that's all apart of it.
Hopefully, also the kids will be out for summer and my kids can be with me. It might be scary being out there all alone while he is a work getting used to having three kids instead of just too. We'll see.
Well that's all for now. My kids are at a movie with their Dad and I have my sister's kids while she goes to a funeral. Let's hope next week will be good:-)
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Happy Hump Day
Got to take a meeting today with Dylan’s officials at school. I hate taking them. They really come up with all the problems and offer not many solutions. In so many words they are blaming you totally for the problem. Cool I’ll take the blame, but I need resources for the things I can not fix.
They want to put him in something called Tier Three. It’s a smaller class with more one on one time with the teachers. I think it’s the last step before they put him in special education. It’s very hard for as a Mom to accept that he might spend his school career in this setting. I know for a fact at this school that they are the forgotten students.
I think that if this becomes the final outcome, I’ll just pull him out and home school him. I will admit he has physical and emotional issues, but they are not so bad that he should be placed in that setting.
Gia is doing better. She lost about five pounds from being sick and her iron is low. She still has the cough. Might have to take her back. It is so awful that the nearest child doctor is in Newton more than 15 miles away. I hate asking anyone to take me with gas being so high.
The only other thing going on is that the ex is suppose to be filing for divorce this week. If he can’t get off his butt and do it. I am also going to try to get an apartment here in town to start with. If that goes well, we’ll see about moving further. I will have to see how being by myself again works. Well got to start the day. Gia is watching Bubble Guppies and there is mountains of clothes to clean and the house…UGGG then that meeting. Hope I keep my cool LOL
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Sunny Saturday
Outside with kids trying to clear my head. Trying to prepare myself for what's coming. Dealing with the disappointments similar to the one's I dealt with years ago. Broken promises and selfishness. Not like the stuff would be for me it is for our baby.
Starting to think that I need a fresh beginning to my life. Not only me but for the kids. Work hard to make a better life for them. I used to be so much stronger. I have to believe that soon I will have that strength back. I can make it better. It will be better. I just have to keep what is important first and never let fear stop me:)
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Thursday, February 24, 2011
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
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