Wednesday

Even though I know better, I still let some people fool me and get totally under my skin. I let people have their opinions about me, and sometimes I give in to them. Even when I am doing my best I still come out as a loser. It's sad when success is the only thing that defines a person. If you don't have your own home, job, car you are a total failure. Even worse when you have kids. Does it count that I used too? That I lost everything when I had to kick my abusive husband out of the house. He didn't help me out and everything was left up to me. Does it count that I am pregnant with a kid that wasn't planned and I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to do everything on my own. It really drives me crazy. Right now if I can get around ten or more feet I count that as a good day.

I think I should get credit that I'm not gonna just give up and marry the kid's father. Move out into the country where there is only two other families on the road. I would have to depend on him for a living and transportation until I got those things of my own. I want all of those things on my own. Well I live in a small town. We don't even have stop lights. So, if my car is on blocks how do I get back and forth to a new job. If   I'm only going to get paid enough to cover day care expenses then what is the use? I get $500 in food benefits and $200 in child support right now and believe or not I make it each month, but only because I have no bills. I paid myself out of debt years ago.

I could pack all my stuff, save a little back, and just move to another town...alone. I would be utterly alone. I don't handle that very well. The kids would have decent schools, programs to do, I could regain a social life, but really for what. Kill myself to pay for the city life. I'm at a crossroads, but not staying forever. Again if I get around today and don't pop the kid out in the kitchen I give the day an A. Anyone from anywhere else who had to move here on no notice would put a bullet in their brain by Friday. Just saying.