Not really sure what my problem is lately. Today I have been really weepy. It kinda started when Joe called me worrying about putting Gia in daycare. I live on hardly nothing and he just doesn't get it. He never has. He lives in his own little world. In it he is an angel and I am the devil. He just asks like all the stuff he did to me just didn't happen. He is really crazy. He got me all upset then played the " you broke us up " card. Ummm no you did when you punched me ten times in my arm. I honestly think there is no hope for me sometimes. I try so hard and I get no where.
Here is the problem I think.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
The New Me
Dyeing my hair dark brown tonight. I'll post a pic later on. I am also starting a mostly liquid diet this week. Going back to walking and working more in the garden. I am also going to get out and do a lot more. Make some decisions about my life and stick to them. See some of it as well.
I am not really happy lately. I came to live here to help save money while I was in college. Also to let my kids get a little older. The day has come where I need a change. I need to be working. Taking care of my health, and enjoying life. It goes by too damn fast. My kids are growing way too fast, and I have worked too hard to see my dreams for them past them by just because I was here.
I know I am not happy with Dylan's school. I am going to talk to some people about my other options. I am considering Meridian, Decatur, Philadelphia...maybe even further off. It has to be a place where I can work, maybe even finish my last semester.
Right now my little angels are sleeping away after a small fight. We are still crowded in one bed. I have to admit I like that. This weekend I am going to stay home and get the garage back to living standards and move us back in there. They will be a lot happier with more space, and we can still use this room too. I would love by the time next school year is in session I am settled somewhere. It can be a house or an apartment, I just need my own space. I am very caged and stir crazy right now.
All I can think about is my trip to New Orleans. Although I only will be there a day or two it's something. A chance to see more of the world. I hope in the future to get away like that at least one weekend out of the month.
Well it's time to get this dye out. I feel like I have hundreds of critters running around. lol. Night Night.
I am not really happy lately. I came to live here to help save money while I was in college. Also to let my kids get a little older. The day has come where I need a change. I need to be working. Taking care of my health, and enjoying life. It goes by too damn fast. My kids are growing way too fast, and I have worked too hard to see my dreams for them past them by just because I was here.
I know I am not happy with Dylan's school. I am going to talk to some people about my other options. I am considering Meridian, Decatur, Philadelphia...maybe even further off. It has to be a place where I can work, maybe even finish my last semester.
Right now my little angels are sleeping away after a small fight. We are still crowded in one bed. I have to admit I like that. This weekend I am going to stay home and get the garage back to living standards and move us back in there. They will be a lot happier with more space, and we can still use this room too. I would love by the time next school year is in session I am settled somewhere. It can be a house or an apartment, I just need my own space. I am very caged and stir crazy right now.
All I can think about is my trip to New Orleans. Although I only will be there a day or two it's something. A chance to see more of the world. I hope in the future to get away like that at least one weekend out of the month.
Well it's time to get this dye out. I feel like I have hundreds of critters running around. lol. Night Night.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Just another week....
It's Tuesday, and I'm keeping my oldest nephew Trey. He probably just doesn't want to go to school. So, he'll have school here at the house. Not playing hookey on my watch. Gia's face still looks rough. I'll have to take her to the doctor if I can get her to let me put meds on it.
Dylan managed to get his first paddling at school. He jumped the fence to escape and got three licks. Not sure what to thing. He has the nerve. Just will have to keep a watch on him.
I have been in a horrible mood all week. Everyone thinks I am pregnant, which is possible, but I kinda hope I'm not. I am thinking about staying single the rest of my life. Nothing good has come out of a relationship so far but the kids. If I am I will have to pay for it, he won't. He owns a lot already on one kids and does nothing for the other. He's not responsible at all and really I care about him as a friend but he doesn't nothing else for me. I can live without him. I will be ok.
I am in a horrible place right now. Very unbalanced and unstable. Very angry with myself for doing all that work, and doing nothing with it. I need to get my life together. Stop letting the past hold me down and choke me. I let negative forces hold me down. I make excuses in their honor. It is all up to me. My children should be my motivation, and how it felt to have nothing when I grew up. No opportunites and it really hurt me to have parents who where just donors and not supportive. I need to make a different way for my kids. I need to move to a better place with more opportunities. Let all the rest go.
More Later.
Dylan managed to get his first paddling at school. He jumped the fence to escape and got three licks. Not sure what to thing. He has the nerve. Just will have to keep a watch on him.
I have been in a horrible mood all week. Everyone thinks I am pregnant, which is possible, but I kinda hope I'm not. I am thinking about staying single the rest of my life. Nothing good has come out of a relationship so far but the kids. If I am I will have to pay for it, he won't. He owns a lot already on one kids and does nothing for the other. He's not responsible at all and really I care about him as a friend but he doesn't nothing else for me. I can live without him. I will be ok.
I am in a horrible place right now. Very unbalanced and unstable. Very angry with myself for doing all that work, and doing nothing with it. I need to get my life together. Stop letting the past hold me down and choke me. I let negative forces hold me down. I make excuses in their honor. It is all up to me. My children should be my motivation, and how it felt to have nothing when I grew up. No opportunites and it really hurt me to have parents who where just donors and not supportive. I need to make a different way for my kids. I need to move to a better place with more opportunities. Let all the rest go.
More Later.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
glitter-graphics.com
I have certainly lost my way. I have forgotten everything that is important. I don't want to hurt people or lose people so I just continue down the wrong roads. I must correct all of my wrongs and make things better for the future. I have to be a wonderful mother that provides a wonderful life for my children. I need to think about myself, but put the right things first.
I have shielded my eyes from the truth and now it's time to absorb the truth and the light and share this miracle with others. I must find my own path and stop listening to the ones that are jealous or hateful. Times are changing and it's time for a change in my life. I have to do this for my children it's for the best. I must think of their future and realize that all my decisions right now affects their future. I must take them to a place where there are opportunities for growth. I hope God will bless me with shelter and income. I plan to work and serve him. The one that truly deserves it.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Having the Blues....
For some reason I got up today just having the blues. I am in so much pain, and my body is letting me know it's not happy with life as well. I have really abused it to the point it might actually be giving up on me. Of course, I go online and type in my syptoms...verdict..I have congestive heart failure. I don't doubt that, but you go in and tell your doc that you are a crazy person. I just suffer. Gotten used to it sadly.
For one thing I can't find peace in anything anymore. I built the garden but I don't get to meditate in it ever. I either have the kids out there or Debbie's crazy ass. She singing with her headphones on or just blabbing off about nothing. I seriously snapped on her twice yesterday. She just really gets on my last nerve. She always right under my ass and I am sick of it.
If the kids are at home I have to tend to them out there cause God knows where Gia would be if I didn't keep a constant eye on her. There is no peace in the house with the clutter and smoke, and sometimes attitudes. I just miss having my own place, and it is so hard to get that back. I miss my own space and having a sense that I run the place. Here the kids are running me and I am letting my depression run me. It's about enough.
I would love to move somewhere that I feel like I belong. I used to feel that in Meridian, but not anymore. I am seriously thinking about it again. Leave Union for good and only come here to visit. My brother is coming on Thursday I am going to talk to him about it. I just want to feel safe, and I want to be on my own.
More later.
For one thing I can't find peace in anything anymore. I built the garden but I don't get to meditate in it ever. I either have the kids out there or Debbie's crazy ass. She singing with her headphones on or just blabbing off about nothing. I seriously snapped on her twice yesterday. She just really gets on my last nerve. She always right under my ass and I am sick of it.
If the kids are at home I have to tend to them out there cause God knows where Gia would be if I didn't keep a constant eye on her. There is no peace in the house with the clutter and smoke, and sometimes attitudes. I just miss having my own place, and it is so hard to get that back. I miss my own space and having a sense that I run the place. Here the kids are running me and I am letting my depression run me. It's about enough.
I would love to move somewhere that I feel like I belong. I used to feel that in Meridian, but not anymore. I am seriously thinking about it again. Leave Union for good and only come here to visit. My brother is coming on Thursday I am going to talk to him about it. I just want to feel safe, and I want to be on my own.
More later.
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