For some reason I got up today just having the blues. I am in so much pain, and my body is letting me know it's not happy with life as well. I have really abused it to the point it might actually be giving up on me. Of course, I go online and type in my syptoms...verdict..I have congestive heart failure. I don't doubt that, but you go in and tell your doc that you are a crazy person. I just suffer. Gotten used to it sadly.
For one thing I can't find peace in anything anymore. I built the garden but I don't get to meditate in it ever. I either have the kids out there or Debbie's crazy ass. She singing with her headphones on or just blabbing off about nothing. I seriously snapped on her twice yesterday. She just really gets on my last nerve. She always right under my ass and I am sick of it.
If the kids are at home I have to tend to them out there cause God knows where Gia would be if I didn't keep a constant eye on her. There is no peace in the house with the clutter and smoke, and sometimes attitudes. I just miss having my own place, and it is so hard to get that back. I miss my own space and having a sense that I run the place. Here the kids are running me and I am letting my depression run me. It's about enough.
I would love to move somewhere that I feel like I belong. I used to feel that in Meridian, but not anymore. I am seriously thinking about it again. Leave Union for good and only come here to visit. My brother is coming on Thursday I am going to talk to him about it. I just want to feel safe, and I want to be on my own.
More later.
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