Annalissa Marie at 34 Weeks

Just a few weeks we will get to meet our little girl. I say weeks, but it's really anytime. Most of all since I can't seem to do the whole bed rest things. Everyone says I'm nesting, but I have so much to do and I have to do it alone. No Dad there, at least here, to set things up and get things ready. Who wants to come home and everything is out of order? Not this chick. Got almost everything. I really did need a bed, but I'll make do. I'm on such a limited income, but hopefully when she gets old enough I can change that. The Dad is helping, but he has to live too I guess. We decided to have our own stuff at the last minute and that really messed me up. After all you can't live in two different house and drag a nursery. Not sure what I was thinking. Oh well. On to what's going on. 

Would you believe that I woke up this morning and forgot to get put Dylan a couple of bucks under his pillow?? Tooth Fairy speech last night for nothing. I had to tell him that the fairy put the money on my card and told me to take him to the store when he got home. He was cool with it. God, second time in a row. I'm just so tired. When my head hits the pillow I'm KO. So, I'll take him to his fave store today after his therapy session for his finger. Maybe before he loses all his baby teeth I'll get it right. lol.

Was going to spend the night in the country tonight, but we are having even more storms. I live in the tornado alley of the south, and my daughter is super scared of bad weather. I think I'll just go out there alone tonight to get a little alone time and be pampered. Been a really long time. More later. 

Bed Rest? What's That?

Today has been very tiring. Got the boy off to school, then had to go to the local apartment complex to sign Gia up for preschool. This is how the south thinks....I don't sit with the other Mom's who are all black and they assume I'm racist. I only wanted to sit outside because they were using the doors being open to cool the place off. I'm already like 106 degrees...lol. Then to make things worse, Gia is the only white girl there getting testing. They were looking at us like how dare you rich white people?! Seriously?? Hate to tell them that I used to live in that ghetto drug den for fifteen years. I'm no more special because my Mom got her stuff together and moved out, even if just don't the street. Don't want to live there? Get off your ass and move!

Since they are only taking twenty kids, Gia may or may not make the cut. If she doesn't there are a few programs locally, but she'll have to ride the bus twenty miles either way. Not sure I want to to do that. I won't be      able to drive her unless my car is fixed by then. It would really be a big help for me if she gets into some kind of program so I can take care of the new one.

Other news, last night Dylan tooth started to come down and bleeding. Which freaked up both out. I HATE blood, even my own. Every time I tried to pull it out it made this horrible popping noise. I couldn't deal. So thankfully, he came home from school with his tooth in a bag. YEAAAA. Mommy doesn't have to pull it out. I will certainly send a nice note to the teacher in the morning.

Tomorrow, I have a meeting at school to discuss Dylan going his last year (next year) for speech. It's been a long road, but I can remember just a few years ago when he could not talk, and now we can talk about anything. For a Mom, that's a great feeling. Thank goodness Gia will not have to have that surgery and ready to start school. Thursday, Dylan will walk to our park from school and go the annual easter egg hunt. I hope it is a fun time for him. We will do ours Sunday afternoon, after they come home from their Dad's. He called today to tell me that he can't get them Friday again because he has to work. They need more time with their father, but for some reason Gia will not go with him. I love my kids, but goodness do I need a small break. Even just for a night.

Might go to the country tomorrow night. Charles wants me to arrange the bedroom for the baby like I want it. I got to pack her a bag that he will bring. He's gotten the crib and new clothes for here there. I got what I need. Never used a crib, but I wouldn't mind having a bassinette. Would be nice, but she can always sleep with me. I think I better get one of those dorky baby straps and keep her on my person at all times so her older sister doesn't run off with her. lol.

I'm trying to just accept Charles for who he is. I'm not going to find a man I want here. I need at least keep some kind of peace for the new baby. It's going to be stressful time, but only if I allow it to be. I just fear that when it is time for me to come home, he'll want me to move out there. I simply can't take care of three kids and try to heal from childbirth. I will just pray it will be a happy time and so smoothly. More Later.

My baby lost another tooth:)

Bed Rest....Sucks!

Been in the bed on and off all day. I hated it. It's not really fun to run the house from a pillow. You know the kids were not listening. Thank goodness I had some family here to help. I kept Dylan out today cause he had a cold and fever. Magically he was healed by 10am. Stinker. School let out at 12pm today because we has tornadoes coming left and right from Texas. Even had one downtown of my brother's city. One about twelve miles away where Charles lives, and a few other towns. A school bus of kids got trapped. Spring weather here is crazy and dangerous.

Yesterday I felt horrible and I didn't want to bother you with the devil walking around making your day hell. I know it was Friday and you probably needed to get things done before the weekend. So no hard feelings.

This weekend the goat cancelled out on the kids. Claims he has to work. Not very likely. Would you believe that idiot started crying on the phone and asked me back. WTF. That's a hell no. Had a total meltdown on the phone. I told Charles since the weather was bad I'll stay home tonight with the kids, and maybe come visit in the morning. Gia will not stay out there yet, cause he has another house. So, mostly likely we'll all be home the whole weekend. The hospital locked me down from sex, household duties, anything stressful. Still all I do is lay there and think of things that need to be done. I've got to get the kid's baby stuff together. Really thought I has more time. Oh well. Life doesn't come with a calendar or watch.

Hope you are enjoying your weekend. Not sure if you still read all this. Only way I can let you know all at once what's up. Would like to hear more from you. As always, I'll take what I can get. :-)

WTF Friday

Tonight, Gia is home with me and Dylan is with his Dad. She has acting really weird all day. My father, who I haven't seen in a really long time, came to Lawrence and we only had thirty minutes to see him. Tried to get Gia in the van and she honestly screamed and kicked like she was being kidnapped. I looked for the police to drive up at any moment. She scream the whole through the whole twenty minute ride. Since we wasted so much time with her, we only got to visit with him fifteen minutes. I was rather upset.

Then we get home and I go to dress her for her father and god knows she completely lost it. Another hour of screaming. What should I have done?? Dylan gets off the bus, jumps in his Dad's arms, and she refuses to go. We try everything but she just won't go. Dylan doesn't mind leaving her behind and I told his Dad it might do him good to get a weekend alone with his father.

One of her problem is that here she is treated like a queen. Every demand is given freely. You can't raise a child like that. I think I really need to move her away from her grandparents. That sounds bad, but get this...her father leaves and her grannie takes her shopping to get whatever she wants. Hmmm. Gia knows how to work the system for sure. Of course I didn't get to go to Charles and he got super pissed. I look for him to come over here at any minute.

I didn't want to go anyway. He has his cocky ass son this weekend, and they fight like brothers. His father also fights with him. His father still owes me money. I don't think I need to be in that environment. I will be mad and upset the whole time. Their antics will keep me upset. I rather lay down with my devilish angel and maybe, just maybe get some decent sleep.

I really do miss you. Been a busy week. Not much talk, but it is what it is. Look forward to my Sunday. Looking forward to the smiles you give me. :-)

Future Lady Gaga
First thing she did this morning was apply her makeup. lol

Strange Beautiful World

At times the world can be very unfair. You love one person, but lay next to another. You can love them too, but it's not the strong and decent love you feel for the other. So while you feel their touch, you long for the touch of the other. You want so badly for it to be them. Their voice in your ear. Go through daily life and have things done to you that you know the other would not, but you can't reach them. You deal with it in your own way, mostly locked inside. Only the other person can make you laugh and smile, and you are blessed to have what time is allowed. You feel blessed that they are at least in your life in some way and you don't have to miss them too bad. That if you really want to talk you can. Still words only do so much, and you always long for what you want and is given to another. Freely.

Hump Day

This morning went to crap real quick. Dylan completely flipped out on me. He has never acted like this before. I think it's because he's uncle is here, and he wants to stay home with him. Still, that doesn't give him the right to throw his breakfast on the CARPET and stomp it. I try to be the better mom and make him a bowl of cereal since he only had like five minutes before the bus. Do you know that child picked it up and threw in on the kitchen floor. Of course, it went all over me. I should of put him over my knee, but instead told him to get out of this house and get on the bus. He went to the bus crying and hungry, then I go to crying. I wish little boys didn't have to grow up.

Now that I am calmed down, spending some time with my brother. He is leaving to go back home for the day. Got tons of cleaning to do. I haven't felt great, and there is no help. I am the maid here. Gia main mission is to destroy the house on a daily cycle. Almost wish there was money and someone to call to come to the house to help. Bending over is killing me. This kid doesn't mind if I can't I believe. She's as happy as a bug in a rug. Just do what I can and rest when I need to. All I can do.

If I could get on a sleep schedule that would be awesome. Because you know in another month or two sleep will be a distant memory. Good thing I've learned to sleep in the strangest places. No problem holding a couple of kids in my lap and knocking out during Spongebob. Just will have to make sure Gia doesn't sneak the baby from my lap and hide her somewhere. lol. Can't wait to see what stuff she comes up with.

Gia is going for testing on April 19th to be hopefully one of twenty they pick for preschool. If she is picked, she'll get to ride her own bus and go to school from 8-2. This would really be a HUGE help to me. I know it will help her too. She is super smart and this will give her some extra help and kids to befriend.

Well enough boring  you for one day. lol. More later.

New Videos

Gia Angelina 04-03-2011

Got to remind myself it's about days like this. Not a care in the world. I am lucky to be home to watch them play. I shouldn't let negative people drag me down, and make me forget my blessings.

Saturday....what a sh*t day

 I really want to be done with my second sperm donor. He is a complete child and low life. I am really trying my best to be nice and decent, but that's not possible for him. All he cares about is drinking, spending time with his friends, and the kid and I are not on the list. He picks me and the kids up and take us to McDonald's. Acts like he deserves a medal. Chokes the food down and barely lets the kids play. What an ass. Go and gets his case of beer. Let me know he's been drinking a case a night this week. Just think of the baby stuff that would of bought. In seven months, he's gotten two or three suits for $2.50, some socks, shoes, hmmm that's it. I even found a bassenette someone was selling on the side of the road. Of course, the beer was more important. He said, I got a crib. What do you need one for? Seriously?? I'll just get one.

Went out to his house. No hugs, gentle words, love....you know the things that come natural to a couple about to have a baby. There is no love there. All I can do is cry over how stupid I am. He asks me why I am crying...he doesn't really care why does he asks. Then to top it off his father owe me $100. He never speaks to me, but came outside to let me know it will be one day next week before he can pay me. Yeah I'll hold my breath. I didn't make him wait when he got my money. I borrowed money this week thinking I would get it this weekend. Now if I did that it would be a big mess, but those crooks are used to stabbing me in the back. Nothing new for them. If he gives Charles the money to pay me he will just spend it and say he owes me.

If he would honestly leave me the fuck alone, I would leave him alone. Work out some custody deal and be done with the whole fucking thing. I hate him. He doesn't get it. I know he would come hurt me if I truly told him to fuck off and leave me alone. I just had to get knocked up by the bastard. I'm really stupid and a coward for dealing with this so long. I think I actually hate him worse than the goat. I want him out of my life. Completely! This will never happen. I'll never escape him. Just makes me want to do really stupid things just to get away from it all. Get pushed much more and I am really done.

Usually, spend the whole day with him, but two hours and he takes us home to go get drunk at a poker party down the street. If I was evil I would turn him in for drunk driving. He doesn't have a license and he has old fines. He would spend months in the jail if I did. I am so tempted. No kiss, just an I love you when he leaves. It's a lie. When I say it back just to keep the peace IT IS A LIE. I want my life back. :-(

FW:

I wonder what it feels like.....

I wonder how it would feel to wake up to someone you truly love. To see their smile, and know that they are happy you are by their side. How would it feel for them to come home and wrap their arms around you, get a real kiss, and know that they couldn't wait to get home to see your face.

What would it feel like to have a happy family day at a park. Everyone is smiling and laughing. You feel safe and protected enough that you can too enjoy the experience. That the man is overjoyed in his heart that he has your kids, you, and maybe he's own...and he finally feels complete.

I wonder how it would feel that at night at bedtime to not have any anger just true love shared between two people, and after you sleep so soundly. Having his arms to keep you warm and safe. Your children are warm and safe in their own beds. Everyone is at peace, finally.

I may never experience this in my life, and people who have it truly take it for granted. Just the simple things in life that I want so bad, and never have. Really a good heart and life is being wasted. If only, I could have the same as other people.