What am I made of?

I have been in a weird mood all day. Depressed mainly, but I have also been pondering things. What am I here for? Is it just to be a mother. Of course, with today's standards you are a loser if you are just a Mother. I have no real connection with anyone on this earth. 


I've lived in the same town for twenty years and yet not attached to any part of it. I want to start over somewhere else, but why? So I can feel even more alone? It might be that I am living in the weirdest small town ever. Everyone seems rich yet there are no jobs here. You have to drive almost twenty miles to get to other humans. How the crap do they make all their money? 


I think I need to cut some strings and most of them are glued to my heart. I need my spirit back. I need to stop worrying about what other people think of me and my ability to do anything. I need to stop listening to all the negative comments and for goodness sake stop listening to my own mind. 


I want to be happy, and that is only up to me. Then why do I let other people stop me? Why even consider their opinions at all? Very confusing and caging. I have built this invisible wall or fortress around myself here and that is not a great idea because like everything this place will fade. I will be in a world of hurt if I don't get on my own two feet. 


I have a lot of envy built up against people. It is only because I crave the basics in life. It pisses me off that I worked so hard all those years, went to college, and I have just piles of rubbish. Nothing to start on, nothing to stand on. That has to change. I have to realize that I will never be blessed with a man I can depend on. It is not meant for me and I have to rise above it all. Be Blessed!