Wednesday

Even though I know better, I still let some people fool me and get totally under my skin. I let people have their opinions about me, and sometimes I give in to them. Even when I am doing my best I still come out as a loser. It's sad when success is the only thing that defines a person. If you don't have your own home, job, car you are a total failure. Even worse when you have kids. Does it count that I used too? That I lost everything when I had to kick my abusive husband out of the house. He didn't help me out and everything was left up to me. Does it count that I am pregnant with a kid that wasn't planned and I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to do everything on my own. It really drives me crazy. Right now if I can get around ten or more feet I count that as a good day.

I think I should get credit that I'm not gonna just give up and marry the kid's father. Move out into the country where there is only two other families on the road. I would have to depend on him for a living and transportation until I got those things of my own. I want all of those things on my own. Well I live in a small town. We don't even have stop lights. So, if my car is on blocks how do I get back and forth to a new job. If   I'm only going to get paid enough to cover day care expenses then what is the use? I get $500 in food benefits and $200 in child support right now and believe or not I make it each month, but only because I have no bills. I paid myself out of debt years ago.

I could pack all my stuff, save a little back, and just move to another town...alone. I would be utterly alone. I don't handle that very well. The kids would have decent schools, programs to do, I could regain a social life, but really for what. Kill myself to pay for the city life. I'm at a crossroads, but not staying forever. Again if I get around today and don't pop the kid out in the kitchen I give the day an A. Anyone from anywhere else who had to move here on no notice would put a bullet in their brain by Friday. Just saying.

My Youtube Channel

Tried to put the video here and no luck. At least I can't see it. So click and enjoy. Way more to come since now I'm a high tech redneck, and can upload from my phone.
Barbie Ann's Youtube Channel

Kids Losing Their Minds Over A Bottle of Bubbles

This is a video of my kids fighting over a simple bottle of bubbles. Neither side gives....see why I have gray hairs?? lol

Spring Break 2011

Have to say it was not what I planned. Usually, I have some fun things planned out, but I'm just too tired. So, I gave in and let the ex get them. He was suppose to get them the weekend off, but claims he got stranded in Meridian. Guess his woman only gives rides of a certain kind. lol.

So he can and got them, and I settled into a night of just me and some much needed rest. Then at 9:30pm I get a call. Usually, my kids would of been asleep here at home, but they were out at night, at a 5 minute pizza stand getting supper. WTF?? Really. Gia was crying because she was sleepy and hungry. God knows where she had been dragged too all day. He called her a spoiled brat and man did that piss me off. I find out that they are sleeping at his one legged woman's house in the ghetto. Sleeping next to a bunch of kids they don't know. Later Dylan tells me that some of the kids where getting hit and spanked on right in front of him. Good job "Dad".

To get away from that drama, I decide to go the new house in the country that I will never live in. Charles has his ADD son and he's bouncing off the walls. He's a ten year old third grader with the mind of a five year old. I really tried to deal with it, but I'm not used to a child with no home training at all. To make me happy I guess, Charles starts to clean out the Koi pond that the old residents left. He managed to fall in and smell like ten years of death. I try to sit outside and nap, but the boy kept circling me and throwing rocks, then he's father would yell at him and threaten to whoop him with switches. Wow what a way to deal your special needs kids.

Then I find out we are about to travel and hour north and get his jock and cocky son, who just landed home from Washington. The difference in these kids are night and day. The only smart thing that man has done in his life is let the boy's family raise him. They are wealthy. He goes to private schools and expects everything on a silver platter. We travel back to Union (oh joy) and go to the famous. lol. Piggly Wiggly. Maybe you've seen on redneck movies? The boy tells his father he will get this and that. I have $12 in cash to get supper for all of us, so I thought hey this kid in not that bad. He goes in the store getting everything in site. We get to the check out and I wait for him to pay for his stuff. He looks at me and tells me that he has no money. WTF again in two days. I had to use my card and it was almost $40 bucks. Charles then gets the $12 back for gas since it's all gone too. Ok I'm getting it in the ass I know it. I told him to pay me back Friday or he can go fuck himself, and believe me he would die if he had too.

Get home and all the men are on a "spell" bitching, fighting, moaning. My restful night has now turned to hell. The jock is trying to kick the ass of his own brother who really can't help how he is. Jesus, save me. I look at the kids bottle of pills and they were giving him the wrong doses. Well, hell that's why he's acting all apey. One correct dose and he's a normal kids within an hour. I am SO stupid for opening my legs to this idiot.

You would think FINALLY at bedtime I would get a little happiness. Well guess what the new house is echoey. You fart in the living room and we can hear in the bedroom. Since he's father's room is right across the hall he has trouble doing the deed. Give me a break. Be a man. For once act like you can do something right. I just turned over and went to sleep.

Woke up to leave and start to go out the bedroom door and he's father opens his and he's in his underwear. Fuck that, I went right to the car. Left and thinking about not going back. Do you blame me? Why does life here have to be so hellish???? Just want to be happy, get laid, have decent food, and trust me I would make a decent man happy all the time. Just not meant to be HERE.

Well the kids are home now, and we are going to clean, go outside and blow bubbles, just relax. Stay home til school starts Monday. I'm happy here for now, but my own place would be so much better. I've really made some horrible choices, but that doesn't mean I should be punished FOREVER does it??

My Weekend

I was expecting a peaceful night together, but that soon changed. He got a call that his sister found his son, and she was heading two hours away to get him. I wasn't getting picked up because he had to pick up the son I know only an hour away. So, I'm left alone at my house, but no problem. A nice quiet with just me is always needed. I'm so very tired lately.

So, Saturday I meet his son, and I can tell something is off with him. Charles gives me his meds/pills, and I am shocked. So many a day and for what? I find out. He is bipolar and has a lot of special needs. He constantly moves, talks, gets loud, doesn't mind. It was just more than I'm used to. I know it was way more than he could handle. Thank God his other son was there to keep him busy. Something I noticed is that the kid was starving and he ate like a savage. Stuffing food into his mouth with his hands. Literally, shoveling it in. I was so sad for him. I'm just not used to a kid that never shuts down. Even at bedtime he was just a hyper as ever and still eating.

Just found out he's going back home today. Sad for Charles cause even though they promise he will be back for spring break...who knows. I couldn't live like that. Maybe he will come back. I know I will have to help watch him while Charles is at work. I hope it won't be too stressful.

Also this weekend, it was confirmed that they were getting rid of the mobile home and moving further into the country. Good news is that it's only minutes from my sister's house. It's a larger place. So, when I do bring the baby home we won't be so crowded. I'll have a front and back yard to relax in and hopefully, it will be peaceful. I never know until I am in the situation. I am expecting to be in major pain, but that's all apart of it.

Hopefully, also the kids will be out for summer and my kids can be with me. It might be scary being out there all alone while he is a work getting used to having three kids instead of just too. We'll see.

Well that's all for now. My kids are at a movie with their Dad and I have my sister's kids while she goes to a funeral. Let's hope next week will be good:-)

Happy Hump Day

Got to take a meeting today with Dylan’s officials at school. I hate taking them. They really come up with all the problems and offer not many solutions. In so many words they are blaming you totally for the problem. Cool I’ll take the blame, but I need resources for the things I can not fix.

They want to put him in something called Tier Three. It’s a smaller class with more one on one time with the teachers. I think it’s the last step before they put him in special education. It’s very hard for as a Mom to accept that he might spend his school career in this setting. I know for a fact at this school that they are the forgotten students.

I think that if this becomes the final outcome, I’ll just pull him out and home school him. I will admit he has physical and emotional issues, but they are not so bad that he should be placed in that setting.

Gia is doing better. She lost about five pounds from being sick and her iron is low. She still has the cough. Might have to take her back. It is so awful that the nearest child doctor is in Newton more than 15 miles away. I hate asking anyone to take me with gas being so high.

The only other thing going on is that the ex is suppose to be filing for divorce this week. If he can’t get off his butt and do it. I am also going to try to get an apartment here in town to start with. If that goes well, we’ll see about moving further. I will have to see how being by myself again works. Well got to start the day. Gia is watching Bubble Guppies and there is mountains of clothes to clean and the house…UGGG then that meeting. Hope I keep my cool LOL

Sunny Saturday

Outside with kids trying to clear my head. Trying to prepare myself for what's coming. Dealing with the disappointments similar to the one's I dealt with years ago. Broken promises and selfishness. Not like the stuff would be for me it is for our baby.

Starting to think that I need a fresh beginning to my life. Not only me but for the kids. Work hard to make a better life for them. I used to be so much stronger. I have to believe that soon I will have that strength back. I can make it better. It will be better. I just have to keep what is important first and never let fear stop me:)

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