Wednesday

Even though I know better, I still let some people fool me and get totally under my skin. I let people have their opinions about me, and sometimes I give in to them. Even when I am doing my best I still come out as a loser. It's sad when success is the only thing that defines a person. If you don't have your own home, job, car you are a total failure. Even worse when you have kids. Does it count that I used too? That I lost everything when I had to kick my abusive husband out of the house. He didn't help me out and everything was left up to me. Does it count that I am pregnant with a kid that wasn't planned and I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to do everything on my own. It really drives me crazy. Right now if I can get around ten or more feet I count that as a good day.

I think I should get credit that I'm not gonna just give up and marry the kid's father. Move out into the country where there is only two other families on the road. I would have to depend on him for a living and transportation until I got those things of my own. I want all of those things on my own. Well I live in a small town. We don't even have stop lights. So, if my car is on blocks how do I get back and forth to a new job. If   I'm only going to get paid enough to cover day care expenses then what is the use? I get $500 in food benefits and $200 in child support right now and believe or not I make it each month, but only because I have no bills. I paid myself out of debt years ago.

I could pack all my stuff, save a little back, and just move to another town...alone. I would be utterly alone. I don't handle that very well. The kids would have decent schools, programs to do, I could regain a social life, but really for what. Kill myself to pay for the city life. I'm at a crossroads, but not staying forever. Again if I get around today and don't pop the kid out in the kitchen I give the day an A. Anyone from anywhere else who had to move here on no notice would put a bullet in their brain by Friday. Just saying.

My Youtube Channel

Tried to put the video here and no luck. At least I can't see it. So click and enjoy. Way more to come since now I'm a high tech redneck, and can upload from my phone.
Barbie Ann's Youtube Channel

Kids Losing Their Minds Over A Bottle of Bubbles

This is a video of my kids fighting over a simple bottle of bubbles. Neither side gives....see why I have gray hairs?? lol

Spring Break 2011

Have to say it was not what I planned. Usually, I have some fun things planned out, but I'm just too tired. So, I gave in and let the ex get them. He was suppose to get them the weekend off, but claims he got stranded in Meridian. Guess his woman only gives rides of a certain kind. lol.

So he can and got them, and I settled into a night of just me and some much needed rest. Then at 9:30pm I get a call. Usually, my kids would of been asleep here at home, but they were out at night, at a 5 minute pizza stand getting supper. WTF?? Really. Gia was crying because she was sleepy and hungry. God knows where she had been dragged too all day. He called her a spoiled brat and man did that piss me off. I find out that they are sleeping at his one legged woman's house in the ghetto. Sleeping next to a bunch of kids they don't know. Later Dylan tells me that some of the kids where getting hit and spanked on right in front of him. Good job "Dad".

To get away from that drama, I decide to go the new house in the country that I will never live in. Charles has his ADD son and he's bouncing off the walls. He's a ten year old third grader with the mind of a five year old. I really tried to deal with it, but I'm not used to a child with no home training at all. To make me happy I guess, Charles starts to clean out the Koi pond that the old residents left. He managed to fall in and smell like ten years of death. I try to sit outside and nap, but the boy kept circling me and throwing rocks, then he's father would yell at him and threaten to whoop him with switches. Wow what a way to deal your special needs kids.

Then I find out we are about to travel and hour north and get his jock and cocky son, who just landed home from Washington. The difference in these kids are night and day. The only smart thing that man has done in his life is let the boy's family raise him. They are wealthy. He goes to private schools and expects everything on a silver platter. We travel back to Union (oh joy) and go to the famous. lol. Piggly Wiggly. Maybe you've seen on redneck movies? The boy tells his father he will get this and that. I have $12 in cash to get supper for all of us, so I thought hey this kid in not that bad. He goes in the store getting everything in site. We get to the check out and I wait for him to pay for his stuff. He looks at me and tells me that he has no money. WTF again in two days. I had to use my card and it was almost $40 bucks. Charles then gets the $12 back for gas since it's all gone too. Ok I'm getting it in the ass I know it. I told him to pay me back Friday or he can go fuck himself, and believe me he would die if he had too.

Get home and all the men are on a "spell" bitching, fighting, moaning. My restful night has now turned to hell. The jock is trying to kick the ass of his own brother who really can't help how he is. Jesus, save me. I look at the kids bottle of pills and they were giving him the wrong doses. Well, hell that's why he's acting all apey. One correct dose and he's a normal kids within an hour. I am SO stupid for opening my legs to this idiot.

You would think FINALLY at bedtime I would get a little happiness. Well guess what the new house is echoey. You fart in the living room and we can hear in the bedroom. Since he's father's room is right across the hall he has trouble doing the deed. Give me a break. Be a man. For once act like you can do something right. I just turned over and went to sleep.

Woke up to leave and start to go out the bedroom door and he's father opens his and he's in his underwear. Fuck that, I went right to the car. Left and thinking about not going back. Do you blame me? Why does life here have to be so hellish???? Just want to be happy, get laid, have decent food, and trust me I would make a decent man happy all the time. Just not meant to be HERE.

Well the kids are home now, and we are going to clean, go outside and blow bubbles, just relax. Stay home til school starts Monday. I'm happy here for now, but my own place would be so much better. I've really made some horrible choices, but that doesn't mean I should be punished FOREVER does it??

My Weekend

I was expecting a peaceful night together, but that soon changed. He got a call that his sister found his son, and she was heading two hours away to get him. I wasn't getting picked up because he had to pick up the son I know only an hour away. So, I'm left alone at my house, but no problem. A nice quiet with just me is always needed. I'm so very tired lately.

So, Saturday I meet his son, and I can tell something is off with him. Charles gives me his meds/pills, and I am shocked. So many a day and for what? I find out. He is bipolar and has a lot of special needs. He constantly moves, talks, gets loud, doesn't mind. It was just more than I'm used to. I know it was way more than he could handle. Thank God his other son was there to keep him busy. Something I noticed is that the kid was starving and he ate like a savage. Stuffing food into his mouth with his hands. Literally, shoveling it in. I was so sad for him. I'm just not used to a kid that never shuts down. Even at bedtime he was just a hyper as ever and still eating.

Just found out he's going back home today. Sad for Charles cause even though they promise he will be back for spring break...who knows. I couldn't live like that. Maybe he will come back. I know I will have to help watch him while Charles is at work. I hope it won't be too stressful.

Also this weekend, it was confirmed that they were getting rid of the mobile home and moving further into the country. Good news is that it's only minutes from my sister's house. It's a larger place. So, when I do bring the baby home we won't be so crowded. I'll have a front and back yard to relax in and hopefully, it will be peaceful. I never know until I am in the situation. I am expecting to be in major pain, but that's all apart of it.

Hopefully, also the kids will be out for summer and my kids can be with me. It might be scary being out there all alone while he is a work getting used to having three kids instead of just too. We'll see.

Well that's all for now. My kids are at a movie with their Dad and I have my sister's kids while she goes to a funeral. Let's hope next week will be good:-)

Happy Hump Day

Got to take a meeting today with Dylan’s officials at school. I hate taking them. They really come up with all the problems and offer not many solutions. In so many words they are blaming you totally for the problem. Cool I’ll take the blame, but I need resources for the things I can not fix.

They want to put him in something called Tier Three. It’s a smaller class with more one on one time with the teachers. I think it’s the last step before they put him in special education. It’s very hard for as a Mom to accept that he might spend his school career in this setting. I know for a fact at this school that they are the forgotten students.

I think that if this becomes the final outcome, I’ll just pull him out and home school him. I will admit he has physical and emotional issues, but they are not so bad that he should be placed in that setting.

Gia is doing better. She lost about five pounds from being sick and her iron is low. She still has the cough. Might have to take her back. It is so awful that the nearest child doctor is in Newton more than 15 miles away. I hate asking anyone to take me with gas being so high.

The only other thing going on is that the ex is suppose to be filing for divorce this week. If he can’t get off his butt and do it. I am also going to try to get an apartment here in town to start with. If that goes well, we’ll see about moving further. I will have to see how being by myself again works. Well got to start the day. Gia is watching Bubble Guppies and there is mountains of clothes to clean and the house…UGGG then that meeting. Hope I keep my cool LOL

Sunny Saturday

Outside with kids trying to clear my head. Trying to prepare myself for what's coming. Dealing with the disappointments similar to the one's I dealt with years ago. Broken promises and selfishness. Not like the stuff would be for me it is for our baby.

Starting to think that I need a fresh beginning to my life. Not only me but for the kids. Work hard to make a better life for them. I used to be so much stronger. I have to believe that soon I will have that strength back. I can make it better. It will be better. I just have to keep what is important first and never let fear stop me:)

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NEW!!!

Check out the new pages on the blog. Now we all have our own pages for photos.

2010 Holidays are coming:-)

Here is a photo of the kids last year right before we opened presents. Thanksgiving is now over and the Christmas madness begins. Someone told Dylan Santa wasn’t real so that works out for me. I never really made him believe in him because it’s a lie.

The kids have basically told me what they wanted so now I got to find those items with all the other mommies trying to get same stuff. I don’t have a whole lot of options to get most of it. I hope I luck up and will be able to get it only. I have NO desire to travel and shop right now.

This year is a little different than the ones before. Family doesn’t get together much anymore. We all have our own families and lives, most have homes and I don’t blame them for wanting to enjoy it. I would too. I really hope to be in my own place next year. I will have three kids then, and I will really have to get back to work.

I’ve certainly learned not to depend on anyone. Not that they can’t help, but what if they won’t. I’m not a real father fan. I have no high hopes for the new one. He might be amazing and prove me wrong, but I won’t wait around and find out. I have to provide for my kids and to be honest I rather.

I am hoping to get my Christmas decorations down from storage and turn this room into a small apartment. Might as well, since it will be a long while before I will be able to move. My kids deserve way better than this life.

Joe and I have finally decided to divorce and we agree about the kids. Thank God we don’t have anything else to fight about. He is going to try to get on the ball this month. Maybe we will be divorced by February. I seriously doubt I will remarry. Not to the current Father. He has proven too many times that he is not willing to grow up or change, maybe some men can’t.

As long as he’s a good father and helps me out and we get along I will be happy. I don’t want to love anyone, and I don’t want anyone to love me. I don’t want to share a house, money, cars. I want it all for myself and my kids. The End.

11-19-2010

Today is Friday, and this afternoon the kids and I will go our separate ways for the weekend. I will leave to go to Charles to spend the night with him and Brandon. Cook pizza and I guess watch movies? I don’t really enjoying leaving the house lately, but I need to at least try to have something to do with the father of my new baby coming soon.

The kids are never happy about going to their Dad’s. I hate sending them over there. They need to spend time with their other family. I just hate what family they have. I will admit their father is trying to do better. I think it helps him to let go now that I am having a child with someone else. That will be good in the long run.

Today in school, Dylan is dressing up like an Indian and with a drum he decorated he will go around the school beating the drum and sharing some holiday joy before they get out for Thanksgiving holidays. He’s feeling a little bad, so I hope he gets better this weekend. Gia is being Gia and that is always a good thing.

Holidays kinda make me sad here lately. I don’t get to really plan anything special for my kids because we are still here at my Mom’s. I don’t get to have my own tree or have my friends or family over. A self created prison is more like it. There are a lot of things here that simply just get on my last nerve, but hopefully things will improve that this time next year I will have my own place again. I don’t plan on living with anyone. I want my own space again. To be the ruler of at least that. A place of serenity. It would greatly improve the lives of my kids. I used to have such fire when it came to them, but so much has happened and I think I have become numb to a lot of things.

More Later

Welcome to October

Not really feeling too great. I am having a lot of trouble with my stomach. I think I am sure what is going on, and if so it will be bittersweet. It will change everything, but it always does. Kids are home now and they told me about their weekend. We are settling into our usual Sunday night. Dylan is playing Lego Batman and Gia has stripped down and waiting on their cousin Haley to come over for a couple of hours.

This weekend I didn't really do a whole lot. Charles, Brandon, and I went to the Indian store in Philadelphia. I wish I could remember the name of it. It was my kinda of store. All this time I have been searching for a connection and I think I have it. It has all kind of herbs, sages, feathers.....man if only I had more money. The only thing that kinda freak me out were the real horse tails with some skin still attached. I think Brandon was ready to go when he saw that.

When we were checking out, Charles took a $70 axe off the wall, and when he went to put it back it fell to the floor and broke into three pieces. You should of hear the poor owner when it hit the floor, but she told us not to worry about it. I really would like to go back alone next time I think. :-)

This week I am really hoping to get some fall cleaning done. I have been in a lot of pain and really don't feel like moving around. My sister is right, since I can afford to see the doctor, then why don't I. Well one reason is if you are overweight they ignore your symptoms and tell you to lose weight. I am in constant pain. When I got to sleep I hurt, I wake up I hurt. Who wants to move when that's happening. I discovered that Aleeve is helping and yeah I have the knots, and the headaches. I really need to take better care of myself. If nothing else I should do it for my kids. They are my future. 

One more issue I am having is with negative people. For some reason I believe myself to be the patron saint of lost causes. You can not change a person. They have to want to change, but if it's working for them and giving them some kind of power why should I worry about it. It really hurts when they are really close to you and you feel that this problem doesn't make you as close as you should be. You can only worry about yourself sometimes, and try not to let people bring you down. 

Update on losing weight. I barely eat meat now. You really have to take it day by day. I eat mostly raw foods. This has cause a change in my stomach. It hurts nearly all the time now. I don't know if I have an ulcer or what, but I need to find out. I can only eat a little bit and I still feel very bloated and like I want to get sick. It takes forever for the bloating to go down. Even drinking a little bit of water and my stomach swells. Well see. I am very sure that I am losing weight, and if I can manage my pain I will feel better and walk more. More Later. 

Song of the Week

Frogs Moving Out

Over the past couple of weeks,  the local frogs have used the kid’s pool for a  their own personal maternity ward. Now the tiny tadpoles are mostly frogs and they are moving out. They are so cute, and so many colors and sizes. It’s really amazing how God works miracles in nature. Take a look:

 

Enjoy your weekend and remember to take a look at nature and be amazed with what you find:-)

What It Feels Like

I have been big my whole life. It's something now that I am having to deal with as an adult. Only now that I am an adult is it almost too much to take. I am usually the one laughing, joking, or making jokes, but if you knew how much pain I was in....wow. Of course I don't want anyone having pity on me. I am sure that there are ways that I could lose the weight. Believe me I have tried them all, but I think there is a little more going on with my pain. 

I have this thing where if I am touched the spot feels like I have been burned with water. Water burns to me are the worst and the only way to describe it. For ten minutes or more that spot hurts. So having kids jump on me feels like fire pokers. I would love to go to the doctor and have him say "ah yes you have this and this is how we will fix it" ...but oh no if you go with a stumped toe it's because you are too fat. Trust me I have had that happen to me. I stumped my toe because I was too "fat" to see my path. Whatever. 

Trust me I don't stay fat for the comfort. It is a daily hell. The problem is I nearly die walking to the backyard in back. How would I ever manage walking for more than that. My knees are shot. Imagine all my weight and the only things holding me up are my knees. I feel sorry for them. I don't sit on my butt to be lazy, my body is just tired of caring for me. Being fat also hurts your inside. I know my heart, liver, etc are working was too hard to keep me going. That is why I feel so tired. I have the body of a 80yr and I'm not even forty. 

So bitching really doesn't help. I have changed my diet. Try to walk more, but this being tired and in pain is so horrible. I am certainly missing out on life. I plan my life around my weight. There should never be anything in the way of life. So all I can do is push forward. Probably file for some help, and get the help from a doctor. If nothing else for the pain so I can concentrate on other things. More later:

Going away for the night off the grid to relax catch ya tomorrow:)

Missing Mamow

Today was my late grandmother’s birthday. I thought about her often during the day. I still think of her everyday. I miss many things about her and I still have some regrets, but it’s getting better with time. I think I will always miss her. Happy Birthday Mamow.

This week we celebrated Trey’s 14th birthday. He is my sister’s oldest son. Here are some of the pics.

Hard to believe he’s already 14. Time is just flying.

My Garden 2010

This year I planted my first garden. I really learned a lot of new things, and lessons. The most important lesson is that a full garden is an everyday job. You can let it go for more than a couple of days or you’ll have a jungle out there. This is one of my first sunflowers. The sunflowers actually did the best. I have one stall out there well up to ten feet. I can’t wait until it has a bloom. Most of my potted plants did do so well.  I now know that the wildflower seed packets are mostly grass. So, I will skip them next year. I love wildflowers, but there is not enough of them in the pack to make a pretty garden.

  Here is a picture of one of the marigolds. I planted them along with my hummingbird seed packets. I learned that this mixed cause all the bugs you hate around your vegetable. We have many bushes up to twenty feet high that are causing the same problems. I really wanted a chemical free garden, but I will give the chemicals a chance next year.  Below are more pics of my garden, hope you enjoy. God bless you for stopping by and keep gardening.

 

What Matters Most

My precious babies and their happiness. I will have to find some sort of balance. The road now must be chosen at the crossroad I have been standing. I must make the life for them that they truly deserve. I am not really sure what to do first, but I think I have found the place. I just want them to be happy, but I deserve some happiness in this life as well. They are so young right now, and I could still get to a new location and make things go right again. I miss the days of working while they are in school, and coming home and having family time. It was when I was the happiest. I must find courage to be alone, or to love again. I must learn not to totally shut my heart up because certain persons have broken my heart in the past. My sweet children mean the world to me and it’s about time that I act like it. We all deserve the best in life. I truly  hope I can do this all alone.

In happier news, my garden is doing alright. I let it go for a while and it got really jungle like out there. lol. Here is one of my beautiful sunflowers. I still amazes me how you can buy seeds from the store and with love get beautiful creations from God. What I love the most about gardening is that even though they are all sunflowers, God makes each one special. Whether it be in the colors or shades each one is unique.

 

Here is my St. Francis statue in the middle of the garden. I did plant some flowers behind it, but they have failed to grow. I noticed anything around the sunflowers failed to grow properly. Not sure why. Even the gourds are very slow growing. I really wanted to do a real garden with no chemicals, but next time I am going to try a little.

Here’s another pic of me with the sunflower. I also planted a hummingbird garden for my late grandmother, but I noticed that it was mainly going to be wildflowers and that attracted bugs that ate most of my potted plants leaves away. Again I need to use a certain chemical.

My brother came to visit me and the neighbor’s pet fox also stopped by. The little devil scratched his arm pretty good, but it was friendly. I didn’t hold him but I took a pic as well. It’s amazing to see a wild creature like that sord of be friendly with humans but I’ve seen that thing chase down our kittens, and I believe that’s what happened to all of them.

Foxes are really beautiful creatures. I would love to have a job with animals. I’ve always wanted that. Might be something I check into. I would hate to work at a kill shelter though. That would break my heart. I am more in wilder animals. Maybe a zoo? Haha getting a little old for dreams I think, but you truly become old when you stop living and dreaming.

I close tonight with this recent picture of me. I have always been big, but in the last year with all my troubles I have seriously packed on too much weight. I used food as a drug and it’s time I come clean. I was walking everyday and using the pool, but I let stupid reasons stop me from taking care of my health. Along with changing my life, I will change my body. I am getting older and the longer I wait the harder it will be. If I could just get down into the 200’s I would be very happy. Well God bless you for stopping by, leave a comment if you like. More later. Be Blessed!

I am in need of change and serenity!

Saint Theresa's Prayer

May today there be peace within.

May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.

May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.

May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you.

May you be confident knowing you are a child of God. Let this presence settle into your bones,
and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love.

It is there for each and every one of us.

If I could just allow myself to believe all of this. What he wants from me. I already know and I keep getting clues. When will I listen? I need to remove myself from all the toxic things and people from my life. I need to change my life and all my ways. I need to forgive many people and be forgiven. I need love and support. I want a do over. All I want to do now in life is live for my kids. Give them a fighting chance. A home. A good school. A church. A stable place where they feel safe. So to do that I have to make it clear that the people that make me upset can no longer do that to me. If so, I will take legal matters into my own hands and be rid of them legally.

In my new life, I want to be happy mentally, physically, and within my soul. I want to belong and live life to the fullest. I want a home that I feel safe inside and that I can raise my children in peace. They deserve nothing but the best. Here they will not make it for the future. I must leave where I can find work. I need to tie up all my loose ends, and finish all the things I begin. I am ready to live. It starts with NOW.

crazy tattoo - Google Search

crazy tattoo - Google Search

This crazy world never ceases to amaze me at the stupid things people do!

I try to find a little happiness in this life. So few an far between are the moments I will cherish. My little angels, my garden that God helped me grow. I really need to take care of the things that matter most to me, not others.

It's About Enough

There are many reasons why I am becoming anti-social. I'm old enough now to know that most people are about 75% bullcrap and 25% of other crap I really don't care to take the time to figure out. I am starting to realize what the most important things in my life need to be. #1 My kids. #2 Me. I honestly do not have time for anything else, or the energy to care. No one really takes a true interest in me, or my life. So therefore I should live it for myself and no one else. I don't really have a close family, and I am not really close with anyone. Most of this is my fault, and for the most part I do not care to change things. Yes I would love phone calls, visits, hugs, but that just never happens. I never hear from the ones that should get a damn the most, but if you think back have they ever really?

I would love to find a place with a decent job, apartment/house, decent yard to grow my flowers and time enough to spend with my kids. Why is this too much to ask? The places I really want to go are now being destroyed by a man made disaster, so maybe I need to look north or other places. I would love to be about one to two hours away. Just far away enough that I don't have to worry about a certain person bothering me. I think that the only way that will stop is when that person is gone. He is always going to bother me unless I take legal measures to stop him.

As for now, I have personal things to take care of. I need to treat everyday like I am leaving. I am going to let Dylan attend this year at Union. Give myself time to save money and work towards a future. I have to make sure I do this right. I want to start completely over. I have to really get a plan together. My kids deserve the best. I deserve to be happy. I have to do all of this for them. I want them to be happy and smiling and not cry over situations I put them in. All of that trash is over. Tomorrow is a new day!

Days of fighting with kid's pool is finally done. Never seen anything to act so crazy. So a few more hours to let it warm up it time to have fun with my babies!

Summer is Finally Here

Summer has finally arrived, and it's almost non stop here at the house. I have had my sister's kids and now my step sister kid and I love it. I love spending time with them, and see how they have grown. They change so much during the year that you really have to keep up with them. My sister's kids are pre-teens and they are starting to get a little sassy, but I remember what it was like in those days. The pic is Dylan in bed wearing his Dragon hooded towel. He is now to be know as Spikey...it's so cute when he corrects me.


This is my beautiful niece Jasmine. She has really been a big help to me. I can't really do much anymore, and she helps me out with the kids. I have a lot of trouble with my weight and my joints/back. I don't really tell people how much pain I am in. I don't want to be the person that always complains, so I keep it to myself. Anyway, she is so sweet. No matter what I ask her to do she does it for me. She's suppose to come help me next week to move into the other room so I will have more room, and it will be much cooler in there. We are about to burn up in this room.




My garden is growing out of control and I plan to get out there next week while the kids are gone and weed it and cut the grass. My sunflowers are almost as big as Gia. I have learned a lot, and plan to keep growing things. I just wish I had more energy and not in so much pain. I can't really stay out there as long as I want to. I would be out there all day...lol. My treasure hunt for bottles is still a no go. I made a huge mess in the back yard. It's just too dangum hot out there right now. I plan to just grade out what over left glass out there and plant some wildflowers to cover the ground. I thought that they didn't get high, but I have a hummingbird plot for my Mamow and it's coming on up.

I'll get some pics up soon. Maybe this afternoon when it gets cooler. I seriously can't wait til all the rooms are done and we get settled in. I think I am just going to let Dylan stay in Union again next year. It will give me time to really get my crap together. If I rush it now I will fail. I am not ready to be alone yet I think. It will also give me a chance to save money. I will need about $5000 to settle down somewhere. Wish I could fix a lot of my problems before I am alone in this world. It is already lonely enough. Well that's enough for now. Talk soon.

Welcome to Summer

Yesterday my baby boy had his first school program. He graduated from Kindergarten. Really I guess it was a practice because he'll be back in there next year. I am doing that because it will be best for him so he will do better. I believe that he was a little too young this year.

The program went perfect and he did really great. Only one person messed it up and I am dealing with that now. I will post more pics and videos when I can get youtube to behave.

This morning we woke up at 9am...wow! Poor Dylan has is waking up feeling a little under the weather, but both are doing their morning routine. Gia is excited to find my coffee cup. "MMMM coffee!!" Dylan is watching Garfield and I am about to cook breakfast cause Gia said "My tummy says I'm hungry". HAHA. I love my kids more that anything on this planet, and now is their time.

I have had my time. So, now I will make everything about them. I am going to find a church for Dylan because out of no where he loves Jesus. Perfect timing cause I want to get closer to God too. I am going to find Gia a school for the fall, and myself a new town and life. It is the only way to escape the devil in this one. I am hoping he's full of mud, but he's not. Ape crazy is what he is and I need to get myself away from all this drama and start completely over somewhere. But....where?

Sunday full of peace....so far

This weekend has been a rare weekend. I actually slept...alot. I got to do mostly what I needed, and right now I am pain and stress free. Of course the kids are not home yet, and that will rise a bit, but you know I think I've figured out a few things. The people in my life are the ones that are making things miserable for me. Toxic, unforgiving f*ck heads that hate their lives and want to make everyone around them hate theirs. Sorry it's not going to happen. I have spent enough time wasting my energy on these people, and feeling guilty. No more time for me. Finally It's all clear. It's time for me to have my own life. No matter what I have to do I am going to live.

I am going to make plans to be about out here by August 1st. Alone in my own place where I feel comfortable. A place where my kids can make a good life for themselves. I am going to cut so many strings, and if they need me they know where I am. Everyone will need me before I need them. That's the way I like it. I have so many projects I want to work on. And as always, if it is is to be it's up to me!

If I could sing it would be the blues

Not really sure what my problem is lately. Today I have been really weepy. It kinda started when Joe called me worrying about putting Gia in daycare. I live on hardly nothing and he just doesn't get it. He never has. He lives in his own little world. In it he is an angel and I am the devil. He just asks like all the stuff he did to me just didn't happen. He is really crazy. He got me all upset then played the " you broke us up " card. Ummm no you did when you punched me ten times in my arm. I honestly think there is no hope for me sometimes. I try so hard and I get no where.

Here is the problem I think.

The New Me

Dyeing my hair dark brown tonight. I'll post a pic later on. I am also starting a mostly liquid diet this week. Going back to walking and working more in the garden. I am also going to get out and do a lot more. Make some decisions about my life and stick to them. See some of it as well.

I am not really happy lately. I came to live here to help save money while I was in college. Also to let my kids get a little older. The day has come where I need a change. I need to be working. Taking care of my health, and enjoying life. It goes by too damn fast. My kids are growing way too fast, and I have worked too hard to see my dreams for them past them by just because I was here.

I know I am not happy with Dylan's school. I am going to talk to some people about my other options. I am considering Meridian, Decatur, Philadelphia...maybe even further off. It has to be a place where I can work, maybe even finish my last semester.

Right now my little angels are sleeping away after a small fight. We are still crowded in one bed. I have to admit I like that. This weekend I am going to stay home and get the garage back to living standards and move us back in there. They will be a lot happier with more space, and we can still use this room too. I would love by the time next school year is in session I am settled somewhere. It can be a house or an apartment, I just need my own space. I am very caged and stir crazy right now.

All I can think about is my trip to New Orleans. Although I only will be there a day or two it's something. A chance to see more of the world. I hope in the future to get away like that at least one weekend out of the month.

Well it's time to get this dye out. I feel like I have hundreds of critters running around. lol. Night Night.

Just another week....

It's Tuesday, and I'm keeping my oldest nephew Trey. He probably just doesn't want to go to school. So, he'll have school here at the house. Not playing hookey on my watch. Gia's face still looks rough. I'll have to take her to the doctor if I can get her to let me put meds on it.

Dylan managed to get his first paddling at school. He jumped the fence to escape and got three licks. Not sure what to thing. He has the nerve. Just will have to keep a watch on him.

I have been in a horrible mood all week. Everyone thinks I am pregnant, which is possible, but I kinda hope I'm not. I am thinking about staying single the rest of my life. Nothing good has come out of a relationship so far but the kids. If I am I will have to pay for it, he won't. He owns a lot already on one kids and does nothing for the other. He's not responsible at all and really I care about him as a friend but he doesn't nothing else for me. I can live without him. I will be ok.

I am in a horrible place right now. Very unbalanced and unstable. Very angry with myself for doing all that work, and doing nothing with it. I need to get my life together. Stop letting the past hold me down and choke me. I let negative forces hold me down. I make excuses in their honor. It is all up to me. My children should be my motivation, and how it felt to have nothing when I grew up. No opportunites and it really hurt me to have parents who where just donors and not supportive. I need to make a different way for my kids. I need to move to a better place with more opportunities. Let all the rest go.

More Later.

TGIF!!! Now if we could fast forward to 3:30 that would great. Be Blessed!

glitter-graphics.com



I have certainly lost my way. I have forgotten everything that is important. I don't want to hurt people or lose people so I just continue down the wrong roads. I must correct all of my wrongs and make things better for the future. I have to be a wonderful mother that provides a wonderful life for my children. I need to think about myself, but put the right things first.

I have shielded my eyes from the truth and now it's time to absorb the truth and the light and share this miracle with others. I must find my own path and stop listening to the ones that are jealous or hateful. Times are changing and it's time for a change in my life. I have to do this for my children it's for the best. I must think of their future and realize that all my decisions right now affects their future. I must take them to a place where there are opportunities for growth. I hope God will bless me with shelter and income. I plan to work and serve him. The one that truly deserves it.

Having the Blues....

For some reason I got up today just having the blues. I am in so much pain, and my body is letting me know it's not happy with life as well. I have really abused it to the point it might actually be giving up on me. Of course, I go online and type in my syptoms...verdict..I have congestive heart failure. I don't doubt that, but you go in and tell your doc that you are a crazy person. I just suffer. Gotten used to it sadly.

For one thing I can't find peace in anything anymore. I built the garden but I don't get to meditate in it ever. I either have the kids out there or Debbie's crazy ass. She singing with her headphones on or just blabbing off about nothing. I seriously snapped on her twice yesterday. She just really gets on my last nerve. She always right under my ass and I am sick of it.

If the kids are at home I have to tend to them out there cause God knows where Gia would be if I didn't keep a constant eye on her. There is no peace in the house with the clutter and smoke, and sometimes attitudes. I just miss having my own place, and it is so hard to get that back. I miss my own space and having a sense that I run the place. Here the kids are running me and I am letting my depression run me. It's about enough.

I would love to move somewhere that I feel like I belong. I used to feel that in Meridian, but not anymore. I am seriously thinking about it again. Leave Union for good and only come here to visit. My brother is coming on Thursday I am going to talk to him about it. I just want to feel safe, and I want to be on my own.

More later.