Going away for the night off the grid to relax catch ya tomorrow:)

Missing Mamow

Today was my late grandmother’s birthday. I thought about her often during the day. I still think of her everyday. I miss many things about her and I still have some regrets, but it’s getting better with time. I think I will always miss her. Happy Birthday Mamow.

This week we celebrated Trey’s 14th birthday. He is my sister’s oldest son. Here are some of the pics.

Hard to believe he’s already 14. Time is just flying.

My Garden 2010

This year I planted my first garden. I really learned a lot of new things, and lessons. The most important lesson is that a full garden is an everyday job. You can let it go for more than a couple of days or you’ll have a jungle out there. This is one of my first sunflowers. The sunflowers actually did the best. I have one stall out there well up to ten feet. I can’t wait until it has a bloom. Most of my potted plants did do so well.  I now know that the wildflower seed packets are mostly grass. So, I will skip them next year. I love wildflowers, but there is not enough of them in the pack to make a pretty garden.

  Here is a picture of one of the marigolds. I planted them along with my hummingbird seed packets. I learned that this mixed cause all the bugs you hate around your vegetable. We have many bushes up to twenty feet high that are causing the same problems. I really wanted a chemical free garden, but I will give the chemicals a chance next year.  Below are more pics of my garden, hope you enjoy. God bless you for stopping by and keep gardening.

 

What Matters Most

My precious babies and their happiness. I will have to find some sort of balance. The road now must be chosen at the crossroad I have been standing. I must make the life for them that they truly deserve. I am not really sure what to do first, but I think I have found the place. I just want them to be happy, but I deserve some happiness in this life as well. They are so young right now, and I could still get to a new location and make things go right again. I miss the days of working while they are in school, and coming home and having family time. It was when I was the happiest. I must find courage to be alone, or to love again. I must learn not to totally shut my heart up because certain persons have broken my heart in the past. My sweet children mean the world to me and it’s about time that I act like it. We all deserve the best in life. I truly  hope I can do this all alone.

In happier news, my garden is doing alright. I let it go for a while and it got really jungle like out there. lol. Here is one of my beautiful sunflowers. I still amazes me how you can buy seeds from the store and with love get beautiful creations from God. What I love the most about gardening is that even though they are all sunflowers, God makes each one special. Whether it be in the colors or shades each one is unique.

 

Here is my St. Francis statue in the middle of the garden. I did plant some flowers behind it, but they have failed to grow. I noticed anything around the sunflowers failed to grow properly. Not sure why. Even the gourds are very slow growing. I really wanted to do a real garden with no chemicals, but next time I am going to try a little.

Here’s another pic of me with the sunflower. I also planted a hummingbird garden for my late grandmother, but I noticed that it was mainly going to be wildflowers and that attracted bugs that ate most of my potted plants leaves away. Again I need to use a certain chemical.

My brother came to visit me and the neighbor’s pet fox also stopped by. The little devil scratched his arm pretty good, but it was friendly. I didn’t hold him but I took a pic as well. It’s amazing to see a wild creature like that sord of be friendly with humans but I’ve seen that thing chase down our kittens, and I believe that’s what happened to all of them.

Foxes are really beautiful creatures. I would love to have a job with animals. I’ve always wanted that. Might be something I check into. I would hate to work at a kill shelter though. That would break my heart. I am more in wilder animals. Maybe a zoo? Haha getting a little old for dreams I think, but you truly become old when you stop living and dreaming.

I close tonight with this recent picture of me. I have always been big, but in the last year with all my troubles I have seriously packed on too much weight. I used food as a drug and it’s time I come clean. I was walking everyday and using the pool, but I let stupid reasons stop me from taking care of my health. Along with changing my life, I will change my body. I am getting older and the longer I wait the harder it will be. If I could just get down into the 200’s I would be very happy. Well God bless you for stopping by, leave a comment if you like. More later. Be Blessed!

I am in need of change and serenity!

Saint Theresa's Prayer

May today there be peace within.

May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.

May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.

May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you.

May you be confident knowing you are a child of God. Let this presence settle into your bones,
and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love.

It is there for each and every one of us.

If I could just allow myself to believe all of this. What he wants from me. I already know and I keep getting clues. When will I listen? I need to remove myself from all the toxic things and people from my life. I need to change my life and all my ways. I need to forgive many people and be forgiven. I need love and support. I want a do over. All I want to do now in life is live for my kids. Give them a fighting chance. A home. A good school. A church. A stable place where they feel safe. So to do that I have to make it clear that the people that make me upset can no longer do that to me. If so, I will take legal matters into my own hands and be rid of them legally.

In my new life, I want to be happy mentally, physically, and within my soul. I want to belong and live life to the fullest. I want a home that I feel safe inside and that I can raise my children in peace. They deserve nothing but the best. Here they will not make it for the future. I must leave where I can find work. I need to tie up all my loose ends, and finish all the things I begin. I am ready to live. It starts with NOW.

crazy tattoo - Google Search

crazy tattoo - Google Search

This crazy world never ceases to amaze me at the stupid things people do!

I try to find a little happiness in this life. So few an far between are the moments I will cherish. My little angels, my garden that God helped me grow. I really need to take care of the things that matter most to me, not others.

It's About Enough

There are many reasons why I am becoming anti-social. I'm old enough now to know that most people are about 75% bullcrap and 25% of other crap I really don't care to take the time to figure out. I am starting to realize what the most important things in my life need to be. #1 My kids. #2 Me. I honestly do not have time for anything else, or the energy to care. No one really takes a true interest in me, or my life. So therefore I should live it for myself and no one else. I don't really have a close family, and I am not really close with anyone. Most of this is my fault, and for the most part I do not care to change things. Yes I would love phone calls, visits, hugs, but that just never happens. I never hear from the ones that should get a damn the most, but if you think back have they ever really?

I would love to find a place with a decent job, apartment/house, decent yard to grow my flowers and time enough to spend with my kids. Why is this too much to ask? The places I really want to go are now being destroyed by a man made disaster, so maybe I need to look north or other places. I would love to be about one to two hours away. Just far away enough that I don't have to worry about a certain person bothering me. I think that the only way that will stop is when that person is gone. He is always going to bother me unless I take legal measures to stop him.

As for now, I have personal things to take care of. I need to treat everyday like I am leaving. I am going to let Dylan attend this year at Union. Give myself time to save money and work towards a future. I have to make sure I do this right. I want to start completely over. I have to really get a plan together. My kids deserve the best. I deserve to be happy. I have to do all of this for them. I want them to be happy and smiling and not cry over situations I put them in. All of that trash is over. Tomorrow is a new day!

Days of fighting with kid's pool is finally done. Never seen anything to act so crazy. So a few more hours to let it warm up it time to have fun with my babies!

Summer is Finally Here

Summer has finally arrived, and it's almost non stop here at the house. I have had my sister's kids and now my step sister kid and I love it. I love spending time with them, and see how they have grown. They change so much during the year that you really have to keep up with them. My sister's kids are pre-teens and they are starting to get a little sassy, but I remember what it was like in those days. The pic is Dylan in bed wearing his Dragon hooded towel. He is now to be know as Spikey...it's so cute when he corrects me.


This is my beautiful niece Jasmine. She has really been a big help to me. I can't really do much anymore, and she helps me out with the kids. I have a lot of trouble with my weight and my joints/back. I don't really tell people how much pain I am in. I don't want to be the person that always complains, so I keep it to myself. Anyway, she is so sweet. No matter what I ask her to do she does it for me. She's suppose to come help me next week to move into the other room so I will have more room, and it will be much cooler in there. We are about to burn up in this room.




My garden is growing out of control and I plan to get out there next week while the kids are gone and weed it and cut the grass. My sunflowers are almost as big as Gia. I have learned a lot, and plan to keep growing things. I just wish I had more energy and not in so much pain. I can't really stay out there as long as I want to. I would be out there all day...lol. My treasure hunt for bottles is still a no go. I made a huge mess in the back yard. It's just too dangum hot out there right now. I plan to just grade out what over left glass out there and plant some wildflowers to cover the ground. I thought that they didn't get high, but I have a hummingbird plot for my Mamow and it's coming on up.

I'll get some pics up soon. Maybe this afternoon when it gets cooler. I seriously can't wait til all the rooms are done and we get settled in. I think I am just going to let Dylan stay in Union again next year. It will give me time to really get my crap together. If I rush it now I will fail. I am not ready to be alone yet I think. It will also give me a chance to save money. I will need about $5000 to settle down somewhere. Wish I could fix a lot of my problems before I am alone in this world. It is already lonely enough. Well that's enough for now. Talk soon.

Welcome to Summer

Yesterday my baby boy had his first school program. He graduated from Kindergarten. Really I guess it was a practice because he'll be back in there next year. I am doing that because it will be best for him so he will do better. I believe that he was a little too young this year.

The program went perfect and he did really great. Only one person messed it up and I am dealing with that now. I will post more pics and videos when I can get youtube to behave.

This morning we woke up at 9am...wow! Poor Dylan has is waking up feeling a little under the weather, but both are doing their morning routine. Gia is excited to find my coffee cup. "MMMM coffee!!" Dylan is watching Garfield and I am about to cook breakfast cause Gia said "My tummy says I'm hungry". HAHA. I love my kids more that anything on this planet, and now is their time.

I have had my time. So, now I will make everything about them. I am going to find a church for Dylan because out of no where he loves Jesus. Perfect timing cause I want to get closer to God too. I am going to find Gia a school for the fall, and myself a new town and life. It is the only way to escape the devil in this one. I am hoping he's full of mud, but he's not. Ape crazy is what he is and I need to get myself away from all this drama and start completely over somewhere. But....where?

Sunday full of peace....so far

This weekend has been a rare weekend. I actually slept...alot. I got to do mostly what I needed, and right now I am pain and stress free. Of course the kids are not home yet, and that will rise a bit, but you know I think I've figured out a few things. The people in my life are the ones that are making things miserable for me. Toxic, unforgiving f*ck heads that hate their lives and want to make everyone around them hate theirs. Sorry it's not going to happen. I have spent enough time wasting my energy on these people, and feeling guilty. No more time for me. Finally It's all clear. It's time for me to have my own life. No matter what I have to do I am going to live.

I am going to make plans to be about out here by August 1st. Alone in my own place where I feel comfortable. A place where my kids can make a good life for themselves. I am going to cut so many strings, and if they need me they know where I am. Everyone will need me before I need them. That's the way I like it. I have so many projects I want to work on. And as always, if it is is to be it's up to me!

If I could sing it would be the blues

Not really sure what my problem is lately. Today I have been really weepy. It kinda started when Joe called me worrying about putting Gia in daycare. I live on hardly nothing and he just doesn't get it. He never has. He lives in his own little world. In it he is an angel and I am the devil. He just asks like all the stuff he did to me just didn't happen. He is really crazy. He got me all upset then played the " you broke us up " card. Ummm no you did when you punched me ten times in my arm. I honestly think there is no hope for me sometimes. I try so hard and I get no where.

Here is the problem I think.

The New Me

Dyeing my hair dark brown tonight. I'll post a pic later on. I am also starting a mostly liquid diet this week. Going back to walking and working more in the garden. I am also going to get out and do a lot more. Make some decisions about my life and stick to them. See some of it as well.

I am not really happy lately. I came to live here to help save money while I was in college. Also to let my kids get a little older. The day has come where I need a change. I need to be working. Taking care of my health, and enjoying life. It goes by too damn fast. My kids are growing way too fast, and I have worked too hard to see my dreams for them past them by just because I was here.

I know I am not happy with Dylan's school. I am going to talk to some people about my other options. I am considering Meridian, Decatur, Philadelphia...maybe even further off. It has to be a place where I can work, maybe even finish my last semester.

Right now my little angels are sleeping away after a small fight. We are still crowded in one bed. I have to admit I like that. This weekend I am going to stay home and get the garage back to living standards and move us back in there. They will be a lot happier with more space, and we can still use this room too. I would love by the time next school year is in session I am settled somewhere. It can be a house or an apartment, I just need my own space. I am very caged and stir crazy right now.

All I can think about is my trip to New Orleans. Although I only will be there a day or two it's something. A chance to see more of the world. I hope in the future to get away like that at least one weekend out of the month.

Well it's time to get this dye out. I feel like I have hundreds of critters running around. lol. Night Night.

Just another week....

It's Tuesday, and I'm keeping my oldest nephew Trey. He probably just doesn't want to go to school. So, he'll have school here at the house. Not playing hookey on my watch. Gia's face still looks rough. I'll have to take her to the doctor if I can get her to let me put meds on it.

Dylan managed to get his first paddling at school. He jumped the fence to escape and got three licks. Not sure what to thing. He has the nerve. Just will have to keep a watch on him.

I have been in a horrible mood all week. Everyone thinks I am pregnant, which is possible, but I kinda hope I'm not. I am thinking about staying single the rest of my life. Nothing good has come out of a relationship so far but the kids. If I am I will have to pay for it, he won't. He owns a lot already on one kids and does nothing for the other. He's not responsible at all and really I care about him as a friend but he doesn't nothing else for me. I can live without him. I will be ok.

I am in a horrible place right now. Very unbalanced and unstable. Very angry with myself for doing all that work, and doing nothing with it. I need to get my life together. Stop letting the past hold me down and choke me. I let negative forces hold me down. I make excuses in their honor. It is all up to me. My children should be my motivation, and how it felt to have nothing when I grew up. No opportunites and it really hurt me to have parents who where just donors and not supportive. I need to make a different way for my kids. I need to move to a better place with more opportunities. Let all the rest go.

More Later.

TGIF!!! Now if we could fast forward to 3:30 that would great. Be Blessed!

glitter-graphics.com



I have certainly lost my way. I have forgotten everything that is important. I don't want to hurt people or lose people so I just continue down the wrong roads. I must correct all of my wrongs and make things better for the future. I have to be a wonderful mother that provides a wonderful life for my children. I need to think about myself, but put the right things first.

I have shielded my eyes from the truth and now it's time to absorb the truth and the light and share this miracle with others. I must find my own path and stop listening to the ones that are jealous or hateful. Times are changing and it's time for a change in my life. I have to do this for my children it's for the best. I must think of their future and realize that all my decisions right now affects their future. I must take them to a place where there are opportunities for growth. I hope God will bless me with shelter and income. I plan to work and serve him. The one that truly deserves it.

Having the Blues....

For some reason I got up today just having the blues. I am in so much pain, and my body is letting me know it's not happy with life as well. I have really abused it to the point it might actually be giving up on me. Of course, I go online and type in my syptoms...verdict..I have congestive heart failure. I don't doubt that, but you go in and tell your doc that you are a crazy person. I just suffer. Gotten used to it sadly.

For one thing I can't find peace in anything anymore. I built the garden but I don't get to meditate in it ever. I either have the kids out there or Debbie's crazy ass. She singing with her headphones on or just blabbing off about nothing. I seriously snapped on her twice yesterday. She just really gets on my last nerve. She always right under my ass and I am sick of it.

If the kids are at home I have to tend to them out there cause God knows where Gia would be if I didn't keep a constant eye on her. There is no peace in the house with the clutter and smoke, and sometimes attitudes. I just miss having my own place, and it is so hard to get that back. I miss my own space and having a sense that I run the place. Here the kids are running me and I am letting my depression run me. It's about enough.

I would love to move somewhere that I feel like I belong. I used to feel that in Meridian, but not anymore. I am seriously thinking about it again. Leave Union for good and only come here to visit. My brother is coming on Thursday I am going to talk to him about it. I just want to feel safe, and I want to be on my own.

More later.

Kids are leaving me.....:'-(

I kinda look forward to the break, but I always cry when the kids leave me. I just can't help it. I will enjoy the rest and touch of freedom I'll get ;-). I plan today to try to get the old room cleaned out enough that we can move in there. More then likely I'll do that for a while then enjoy my time alone. Just relax. Watch tv, read a book...things I barely get to do when they are here.

I really don't have a lot to say this morning. My diet and exercise is going great. I did eat a nutty bar this morning, but Dylan ate half so it's ok. It's alright to have things, just don't go crazy. I am not going to buy anymore Almond Roca and when I get my $ Friday I am going to have a list. It's not go just to do a shopping free for all. Most of all no one's getting anything on mine but myself. I gave in last month and look where it got me. I ran short. This next month I am going to buy nothing but healthy food, but I'm gonna make that stuff taste amazing! I feel so proud of myself for getting out there and walking, and you would not believe how great I feel when I get back home. Almost high. It's that feeling I look for in other stuff. I can see why people get addicted to exercise. You do feel alive when you are done.

It's strange this morning not to be rushing my little one away to school, and we are all kinda chill. Gia is still asleep...amen...lol. When she gets up she's little boss lady and 12 hours of demands kinda where me down. I will be so sad when they leave, I might need a nap...lol. Might be a good idea so I can enjoy my night. Well that's enough for today. More Later. ;-)

Breezy Afternoon

Had two of my sister's kids most of the day. I was shocked that William had something to do with me. Diet went great. I think the key to my weight loss is going to be sugar intake. I noticed that I cut it out almost completely today and I felt so much better. I also only had food when I felt that I needed, not to feed my feelings. That's another key. I have to learn to deal with my emotions without food, and do not over due things that I like.

My kids had a blast outside again today. Makes sense just to let them play and explore. Dylan and I played pretend that he was Ben 10 and soon Gia was joining in. I had a lot of fun, just letting go and being free.

Another addiction is the net...lol. May sounds silly but I text my facebook and think I have to check all my sites like every four hours...lol. But I don't. My inbox and stuff on there is gonna be on there when I find the time. No big hurry.

Ok, so what's next. Moving into the large room this week while the kids are goine. Man it's gonna be so much better having more room, but they'll still be in and out of the room and that will drive me crazy. Either way we'll all have our own bed, and it will be cooler in there this summer. Hopefully, by the end of summer I will be working somewhere. I will then save for my divorce and then save for a vacation just for the kids and I. No one else.

Another thing I am hoping to do will be in October. Gonna save to attend the Voodoo Festival/Halloween there, but maybe not. Who know by then. Life is all about choices, freedom, and happiness, and I plan to have it all...:-)