Monday

Last night was just plain hell. I don't know what happens at the ex's house, but my God were the kids on one. I planned to put them in bed at eight and Gia refused to stay in the bedroom with me, then Dylan is up. Running around and playing. If I was about to pop another out these kids would of been in for it, but I'm so damn tired I can barely move. This is when I miss a father in the home. I need a break and they are only back for a day. My mom doesn't seen her precious Gia to bed, tells me to go to sleep and she can sleep with her. Great. I finally go to sleep and about 11pm, here comes Gia still wired. I'm think my god from what?

Ok. This time I can not blame the ex all together. I bought them some Jelly Bellies. There cousin comes over with suckers. WTF was I thinking. She gets leg cramps and screams, I finally calm her down and silence comes over the room. I wake up at 5am with a pounding headache. I would love to just get up and get some coffee, but I find my chain smoking mom in the kitchen and it looks like a bar. God do I wish I had my own apartment. I'm starting to think about Meridian again...jesus just somewhere else.

I get the boy off to school, and I try to stay awake, but that's just not happening. Luckily, Gia is still passed out and I get a few more hours. I dream about radiation and nuclear meltdowns. I'm some kind of person working for the government trying to get my kids and this dark hair guy and his kid out of the city before hell breaks loose. Thanks CNN. I got to turn the tube off.

This morning hasn't been all that bad. Although I'm not getting much done. lol. Right now if I laid down I wouldn't be up til tonight. This kid is just sucking the life out of me, and believe me it will get worse. I just can't wait to see how the father really helps me. I think I've decided not to get my tubes tied. Just behave myself and get on the pill. I think about a week out there will be all I can take. I can't wait for her to be old enough to go to daycare, get Gia in preschool, and Dylan in school so I can return to work. Save money and move the hell away from this want to be Mayberry.

Any suggestions??

Cavemen Are Not My Type

I'm not really sure why I expect so much from simple people. Why did God not make me more simple so I can fit into this backwards life. Got picked up Friday, and he had me drive to Forest. That is a actual town. People here go ape shit for this place called KFC. Maybe you have one? I doubt it. They now have buffet. So the place has a line. I just drove an hour for all you can eat fried chicken, gravy, rice, and peach cobbler. Can't you hear a cowboy holler in the back of your mind. lol

He knows I can't eat much of this stuff, but he downs it down like bikers are behind him with sticks trying to steal it away. A bit nasty to watch. We leave and I'm already in pain and uncomfortable. I plan to get a motorized wheelchair to help me in the store. Walmart. hmmm do you have that too? Huge store with everything. So a redneck's dream. I go to get in one and this lazy ass gets in one too. I honestly think he's jealous that I need one. I then become hardheaded and just walk through the store. About a hundred feet in and I'm almost to tears. I ask him to please go get me one and he won't. Huge surprise. Now my feelings are hurt and I'm mad, in pain, disgusted and he's just a shopping away all happily. We leave but not before he has to get his beer. I don't mind drinking, but it changes his personality.

Get to his house. Make a attempt and a little happiness and it's a complete FLOP. I'm not interested at all. Not like me, but I have something on my mind and the smell of alcohol was not really working for me. I think he got a little upset, but really I don't care. The next day we give shopping another goal. Go shopping for the baby. Would you believe he picked out everything? Hated everything I like and then let me know that we need to buy all our separate items. What?! Ok sounds fine to me. Separate houses. Makes sense. Wow what a beginning I am giving this kid. That night after supper we crashed and didn't even attempt anything.

Now back in 2007, one night, I had this horrible nightmare that a man was pulling my arm and I could feel everything. Scared me so bad my water broke. It happened again last night. WAIT not the water breaking thank god, but the same dream. I honestly can't tell if it was real or not, I know my ears started roaring and I look towards the closet and a man's figure is there. He keeps saying either HELL or HILL. Clear as day. He starts pulling my arm and I can't even make a sound and I tried to wake up Charles to help. Next second I am raising up in the bed and the room is all weird. Told him to hold me and I finally fell asleep. Jesus do I need a minute away from everything. I don't know what brought all that on.

Only reason I did not want to come home here is that no one picks up after themselves. The house looks just it did when I left Friday. We are so crowded with our stuff, and it's just horrible. My Mom and her man, my kids and myself. JEEZ. There it's clean, way more peaceful, but I don't think I can deal with the bad parts of it. If Charles drinks way too much and I have to deal with his bad side. I certainly don't want my kids around that. I think the best solution will be to stay there a week or two after the baby, but I need to get a local apartment. Start small and see how it goes. Depend on myself so I don't have to have anyone save me or help me.

If I had it my way, I would not be here. Two fathers would be replaced by one. Different location, new life. The End.

This Weekend

This weekend I am looking forward to some peace and quiet. I am going out to Charles and rest. Enjoy the birds chirping, breeze blowing, and hopefully get my life together in my mind somehow. It is a miracle that we will be kid free and I'm certainly looking forward to it. Only really time we are going into town is to shop for the baby. I have decided to come home from the hospital there. I believe this will be the best solution. He's taking a week off from work to help me with the baby. I'm sure it won't be the dirty diapers. They are like periods...just not meant for a man to do. He used to always gag when I was changing Gia. lol.

At least he's house is roomy enough that if my kids come to stay too there will be plenty of room inside and out. No smoke there too, since my mom is a chain smoker here. I honestly hate to bring the baby back here when I leave Charles. Thinking about trying to get my own apartment here in town as a temporary solution to my housing issue. I would certainly be happier with my own space, and we wouldn't always have to be around family when we want "time" alone. lol.

As for the future with him....hmmmm We have been together on and off since 2008. There have been good times and some really shitty times. We are best friends and he certainly loves me more than I love him. I just can't get into a deep love with anyone anymore. Not if I don't have the basic levels with them. I guess we will just continue life as it is. We have our own lives during the week, and see each other on the weekends. This doesn't mean I have to remain here. Once I'm healed and the baby is six weeks I plan to look for work. If it has to be in the city I will have to deal with it. I was all ready to move to Meridian til lately.

My brother's apartment was broken into while he was sleeping. All the purses, (he lives with three women god bless him), electronics, etc were stolen. Luckily, his door was locked and his stuff was safe. I just do not feel like living alone would be a really great idea. Those kind of jerks watch people and pick the weak out. I'm not weak, but I'm not going to keep a loaded gun in the house. Also, in Meridian the most you will start out with pay is $7.00 an hour. You think with housing, bills, and daycare you wouldn't make it. I think daycare is $120 a week. Just crazy.

Think I'll just start small. Take my time and get used to running a household alone with three kids. Jeez.... I really need to decide about getting my tubes fixed. I think somehow I hold out hope that I could meet a decent father for another child and get that happily ever after simple life I really want. I think sometimes I'm paying for all my wrongs right now and it just won't happen. Who knows. :-)

Wednesday

Even though I know better, I still let some people fool me and get totally under my skin. I let people have their opinions about me, and sometimes I give in to them. Even when I am doing my best I still come out as a loser. It's sad when success is the only thing that defines a person. If you don't have your own home, job, car you are a total failure. Even worse when you have kids. Does it count that I used too? That I lost everything when I had to kick my abusive husband out of the house. He didn't help me out and everything was left up to me. Does it count that I am pregnant with a kid that wasn't planned and I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to do everything on my own. It really drives me crazy. Right now if I can get around ten or more feet I count that as a good day.

I think I should get credit that I'm not gonna just give up and marry the kid's father. Move out into the country where there is only two other families on the road. I would have to depend on him for a living and transportation until I got those things of my own. I want all of those things on my own. Well I live in a small town. We don't even have stop lights. So, if my car is on blocks how do I get back and forth to a new job. If   I'm only going to get paid enough to cover day care expenses then what is the use? I get $500 in food benefits and $200 in child support right now and believe or not I make it each month, but only because I have no bills. I paid myself out of debt years ago.

I could pack all my stuff, save a little back, and just move to another town...alone. I would be utterly alone. I don't handle that very well. The kids would have decent schools, programs to do, I could regain a social life, but really for what. Kill myself to pay for the city life. I'm at a crossroads, but not staying forever. Again if I get around today and don't pop the kid out in the kitchen I give the day an A. Anyone from anywhere else who had to move here on no notice would put a bullet in their brain by Friday. Just saying.

My Youtube Channel

Tried to put the video here and no luck. At least I can't see it. So click and enjoy. Way more to come since now I'm a high tech redneck, and can upload from my phone.
Barbie Ann's Youtube Channel

Kids Losing Their Minds Over A Bottle of Bubbles

This is a video of my kids fighting over a simple bottle of bubbles. Neither side gives....see why I have gray hairs?? lol

Spring Break 2011

Have to say it was not what I planned. Usually, I have some fun things planned out, but I'm just too tired. So, I gave in and let the ex get them. He was suppose to get them the weekend off, but claims he got stranded in Meridian. Guess his woman only gives rides of a certain kind. lol.

So he can and got them, and I settled into a night of just me and some much needed rest. Then at 9:30pm I get a call. Usually, my kids would of been asleep here at home, but they were out at night, at a 5 minute pizza stand getting supper. WTF?? Really. Gia was crying because she was sleepy and hungry. God knows where she had been dragged too all day. He called her a spoiled brat and man did that piss me off. I find out that they are sleeping at his one legged woman's house in the ghetto. Sleeping next to a bunch of kids they don't know. Later Dylan tells me that some of the kids where getting hit and spanked on right in front of him. Good job "Dad".

To get away from that drama, I decide to go the new house in the country that I will never live in. Charles has his ADD son and he's bouncing off the walls. He's a ten year old third grader with the mind of a five year old. I really tried to deal with it, but I'm not used to a child with no home training at all. To make me happy I guess, Charles starts to clean out the Koi pond that the old residents left. He managed to fall in and smell like ten years of death. I try to sit outside and nap, but the boy kept circling me and throwing rocks, then he's father would yell at him and threaten to whoop him with switches. Wow what a way to deal your special needs kids.

Then I find out we are about to travel and hour north and get his jock and cocky son, who just landed home from Washington. The difference in these kids are night and day. The only smart thing that man has done in his life is let the boy's family raise him. They are wealthy. He goes to private schools and expects everything on a silver platter. We travel back to Union (oh joy) and go to the famous. lol. Piggly Wiggly. Maybe you've seen on redneck movies? The boy tells his father he will get this and that. I have $12 in cash to get supper for all of us, so I thought hey this kid in not that bad. He goes in the store getting everything in site. We get to the check out and I wait for him to pay for his stuff. He looks at me and tells me that he has no money. WTF again in two days. I had to use my card and it was almost $40 bucks. Charles then gets the $12 back for gas since it's all gone too. Ok I'm getting it in the ass I know it. I told him to pay me back Friday or he can go fuck himself, and believe me he would die if he had too.

Get home and all the men are on a "spell" bitching, fighting, moaning. My restful night has now turned to hell. The jock is trying to kick the ass of his own brother who really can't help how he is. Jesus, save me. I look at the kids bottle of pills and they were giving him the wrong doses. Well, hell that's why he's acting all apey. One correct dose and he's a normal kids within an hour. I am SO stupid for opening my legs to this idiot.

You would think FINALLY at bedtime I would get a little happiness. Well guess what the new house is echoey. You fart in the living room and we can hear in the bedroom. Since he's father's room is right across the hall he has trouble doing the deed. Give me a break. Be a man. For once act like you can do something right. I just turned over and went to sleep.

Woke up to leave and start to go out the bedroom door and he's father opens his and he's in his underwear. Fuck that, I went right to the car. Left and thinking about not going back. Do you blame me? Why does life here have to be so hellish???? Just want to be happy, get laid, have decent food, and trust me I would make a decent man happy all the time. Just not meant to be HERE.

Well the kids are home now, and we are going to clean, go outside and blow bubbles, just relax. Stay home til school starts Monday. I'm happy here for now, but my own place would be so much better. I've really made some horrible choices, but that doesn't mean I should be punished FOREVER does it??

My Weekend

I was expecting a peaceful night together, but that soon changed. He got a call that his sister found his son, and she was heading two hours away to get him. I wasn't getting picked up because he had to pick up the son I know only an hour away. So, I'm left alone at my house, but no problem. A nice quiet with just me is always needed. I'm so very tired lately.

So, Saturday I meet his son, and I can tell something is off with him. Charles gives me his meds/pills, and I am shocked. So many a day and for what? I find out. He is bipolar and has a lot of special needs. He constantly moves, talks, gets loud, doesn't mind. It was just more than I'm used to. I know it was way more than he could handle. Thank God his other son was there to keep him busy. Something I noticed is that the kid was starving and he ate like a savage. Stuffing food into his mouth with his hands. Literally, shoveling it in. I was so sad for him. I'm just not used to a kid that never shuts down. Even at bedtime he was just a hyper as ever and still eating.

Just found out he's going back home today. Sad for Charles cause even though they promise he will be back for spring break...who knows. I couldn't live like that. Maybe he will come back. I know I will have to help watch him while Charles is at work. I hope it won't be too stressful.

Also this weekend, it was confirmed that they were getting rid of the mobile home and moving further into the country. Good news is that it's only minutes from my sister's house. It's a larger place. So, when I do bring the baby home we won't be so crowded. I'll have a front and back yard to relax in and hopefully, it will be peaceful. I never know until I am in the situation. I am expecting to be in major pain, but that's all apart of it.

Hopefully, also the kids will be out for summer and my kids can be with me. It might be scary being out there all alone while he is a work getting used to having three kids instead of just too. We'll see.

Well that's all for now. My kids are at a movie with their Dad and I have my sister's kids while she goes to a funeral. Let's hope next week will be good:-)

Happy Hump Day

Got to take a meeting today with Dylan’s officials at school. I hate taking them. They really come up with all the problems and offer not many solutions. In so many words they are blaming you totally for the problem. Cool I’ll take the blame, but I need resources for the things I can not fix.

They want to put him in something called Tier Three. It’s a smaller class with more one on one time with the teachers. I think it’s the last step before they put him in special education. It’s very hard for as a Mom to accept that he might spend his school career in this setting. I know for a fact at this school that they are the forgotten students.

I think that if this becomes the final outcome, I’ll just pull him out and home school him. I will admit he has physical and emotional issues, but they are not so bad that he should be placed in that setting.

Gia is doing better. She lost about five pounds from being sick and her iron is low. She still has the cough. Might have to take her back. It is so awful that the nearest child doctor is in Newton more than 15 miles away. I hate asking anyone to take me with gas being so high.

The only other thing going on is that the ex is suppose to be filing for divorce this week. If he can’t get off his butt and do it. I am also going to try to get an apartment here in town to start with. If that goes well, we’ll see about moving further. I will have to see how being by myself again works. Well got to start the day. Gia is watching Bubble Guppies and there is mountains of clothes to clean and the house…UGGG then that meeting. Hope I keep my cool LOL